-247 A tale of a leaky coffee, a white tshirt and a ridiculously good looking guy

Image by Digitalart

So yesterday I drove up the coast to hang out with Crazy Med Student, The Blue Smurf & Hilariously Grumpy Faced Baby for the day. Randomly wanted to get out of Sydney and to just socialise.

Here's what you need to know about my day yesterday ( other than the fact it was nice, I was perhaps a little whiny about being single and feeling a little lonely and lost at the moment, lunch was tasty from the very trendy little cafe they took me to, and Hilariously Grumpy Faced Baby is only slightly grumpy faced now is still very cute ).






* I wore a white t-shirt ( which was dumb and I knew it )
* I spilled coffee on it about 30 minutes into the trip.
* And again at about 45 minutes in
* And for a third time soon after I spilled a lot. *sigh*
* About a half hour before I left a friend of theirs from Church comes over ( they had a Bible study night ) and I open the door to a ridiculously good looking guy.
* I am covered in coffee, make up free, not looking my best. *sigh*
* He was nice. He asked questions.
* I'm not sure of the impression I left ( other than I have no hand to mouth control ) - lol
* And I am somewhat annoyed at Crazy Med Student for not warning me that he was cute. I had make up in my bag!

*sigh*

I'm not sure if he is single. And I don't think he asked about me otherwise I would have heard from Crazy Med Student by now.

But as I was driving home I realised how much work I have to do in terms of working through my "I don't deserve" and "Don't want to make a fool of myself" inner voices.

You see I could tell my friend that this Random Cute Guy at the Door was very cute and to let him know that I thought he was cute. But....

I don't want the humiliation of rejection. I'm still overweight. I'm older etc etc etc.

And I know that this attitude is not going to get me anywhere. I just can't seem to shake it.

What to do ? What to do? I prayed a lot on the way home last night. I really dislike this feeling that my outside feels so worthless that I can't even tell my friend that I thought this guy was cute?

*sigh*

EDIT : Wednesday night I sent Crazy Med Student a Facebook message commenting on something that was happening for her today and then ended with a PS Telling her that next time she wanted me to open the door to a good looking guy like that ( single, married or otherwise ) please give me fair warning to cover up any evidence of my poor hand to mouth control and to put some spack filler in my wrinkles. A gal has her pride. :P

Phew. Done. Told her I thought he was cute without losing face. Done. Thanks God. :)

-279 Shame is a bubbling up

The events of the past week or so are prompting me to believe that God is attempting to teach me something about myself once again. He's shaking my tree and pruning the dead branches, hopefully so that new, beautiful fruit has the opportunity to grow. I just need to let him and not dodge the pruning sheers when He brings them out. ;)

Not long after I started this blog I wrote a post about my shame being pinned with a yellow ribbon in ballet exams. That yellow ribbon meant that I was not expected to pass my exam and/or I couldn't be paired up properly with another dancer in my grade with a similar body type. I knew this even as a 7 or 8 year old and I felt shame that I wasn't slender and birdlike and that there was something not 'normal' about me. Big fat lie. But one that stuck.

Since July 2010 when I found out that I was having silent daily chronic migraines that was screwing up my metabolism, giving me constant gastro-intestinal issues and cycles of having energy to burn and then no energy whatsoever, I have lost about 25kg ( 55 pounds ) and have gone from a size 18 - 20 to a size 14 in normal sizes. Big big change. Yay me. And yay migraine prevention meds. :)

But I'm still left with the mentality of being big. And the shame that I attached to it. In the other post I wrote....

I don't deserve...

• To be treated with respect ( because I am ashamed )
• To have someone that I find attractive say that they find me attractive as well ( because I am ashamed )
• To ask for help when I need it I should be independent and not be a burden on people ( because I am ashamed )
• To say that I am hurt when my feelings are hurt ( because I am ashamed )
• A body that I am proud of ( because I am ashamed - I am really ashamed because even though I do exercise and eat well most of the time I can't do it for more than a few months and end up back where I started, then I'm just lazy and having Nanna naps every afternoon, tired and eating random stuff. I am ashamed because I have no self control. I like the first lot of the fruits of the Spirit. But the sense of shame I get whenever I hear or have to teach on the fruits ( Galatians 5:22 ) just brings me deeper down again and more disconnected with myself. 

And now I realise that I am ashamed that I am single. I am ashamed that by the age of 36 I haven't been in a relationship for 12 years, been introduced to anyone by my friends, been kissed, had a relationship start with a guy that I had a strong connection with and not be told that he "...felt connected to me but it was wrong" or that "God said no but that didn't mean I was physically unattractive" or "I like you but I'm just not attracted to you at the moment maybe down the track", lost the confident young girl that just used to look at a guy and he was interested not just because she was cute but because she had that inner light, even though the weight gain was mostly the migraines I must've done something wrong. 

And it's a battle because I was just telling someone that I can see that over the past twelve years of being big and single that God has created my character that I wouldn't have been had I not been big. I wouldn't have had the compassion for others and been drawn to the job I do, or run the disability camp or get involved in Kids ministry, or want to live a life that makes a difference. It would have been all about the fact that I can sing and it still would be all about 'me me me' look at what I can do. 

I know who I am in Christ. I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that I am blessed because I have legs, arms and a body that does what I generally want it to do, I know that getting married is not a reward system set up with God "If I am a good Christian, He will bless me with a husband". 

Why am I still thinking through the shame filter? Is it just going to take time for my thinking to catch up with what my body looks like now and what it will look like when I lose another 20 or so kilos ? 

I have no answers tonight but I do think that's why I am annoyed by the boxes at the moment. I am ashamed of my single state and being thought of as a 'yellow ribbon' person in life because I am not married.

xMiss365 

-362 It all started with a yellow ribbon

For me as soon as that yellow ribbon was pinned onto me (not once but twice) when I was 7 and 8 years old my disconnection with my body began. Just like Peter Pan's disconnection with his shadow.And in a similar way it taunts me just like Peter's shadow did in his story.

And so began the seed of shame. It took a long time to grow but because that seed was planted in me, any comment ( large, small, deliberate, implied, miscomunicated or just plan old mean ) allowed that seed to grow and eventually sprout off little branches and grow roots that affected every area of my life. 

I've started to realise that over the past almost 30 years of my life that little seed of shame grew into a deceitful tree called "I don't deserve....". Let me give you some examples. At various times in my life I have thought.

I don't deserve...

• To be treated with respect ( because I am ashamed )
• To have someone that I find attractive say that they find me attractive as well ( because I am ashamed )
• To ask for help when I need it I should be independent and not be a burden on people ( because I am ashamed )
• To say that I am hurt when my feelings are hurt ( because I am ashamed )
• A body that I am proud of ( because I am ashamed - I am really ashamed because even though I do exercise and eat well most of the time I can't do it for more than a few months and end up back where I started, then I'm just lazy and having Nanna naps every afternoon, tired and eating random stuff. I am ashamed because I have no self control. I like the first lot of the fruits of the Spirit. But the sense of shame I get whenever I hear or have to teach on the fruits ( Galatians 5:22 ) just brings me deeper down again and more disconnected with myself. )

And so the cycle continued. 

It was only in the past couple of months as I was laid down in green pastures for my soul to be restored that God gave me an answer to the last point above. And while for the most part self control has played a bit of a part it was also a medical issue ( probably the only one that I haven't been tested for in the past 15 years !) and is now getting under control. But it's also highlighted how disconnected and how much shame has permeated nearly every area of my life.

And I don't like it. It's deceitful and I honestly thought I had dealt with this about 5 or so years ago. I think I may have lopped off a few branches but now it's time to get the chainsaw and root killer out and get rid of this tree for good. Maybe then I will be less guarded and more like myself when I meet guys that I don't know. *shrug*  It also makes me wonder what my relationship with The Real Ex might have been like if shame hadn't been my shadow. Not that I am pining over him (that was soooo 7 or 8 years ago - lol !) but I wonder how different I would be if that seed hadn't grown at such a young age. 

I do know though if I am blessed enough to have a daughter she won't be doing ballet exams if she has my body type (not a long limbed, slender, bird-like, ballerina frame - I was more suited to contemporary ) and being pinned with that yellow ribbon and knowing why.

xMiss365

-364 SASFAR

So what is a SASFAR?

Single And Single For A Reason.

Now there are many reasons why someone might get to my age and still be unmarried and single. Sometimes it may be because they have spent many years waiting for a particular man to wake up and realise what was under his nose the whole time and been left crying into their pillow when he's gone and married another. Or it could be because in their twenties they thought that the stream of male attention would never end and the tap would never stop running until one day it did. Or perhaps the reason could simply be that they are painfully shy and find it hard to converse with the opposite sex and have never learned how to make that connection go any further.

And then there are the reasons that we as women sometimes perceive as being the reasons like being not pretty enough, or smart enough, or thin enough, or blonde enough, or brunette enough, or submissive enough or witty enough, or Proverbs 31 womanish enough  or whatever enough......

.....on and on and on.

So if you are me and you are in your mid thirties and single ( and haven't been kissed I might add ) for over a decade, in a career where men are scarce, a Church that is not full of single, available men of similar marriageable age, not in a social group of friends that are either in a similar situation or lovingly, carefully and wisely introduce you to single, available men of marriagable age that you have something in common with other than "He's single, Christian and about your age" ( wait for an upcoming post on that one! ) what do you do ?

Online Christian dating.

Now before I start my official post between SASFAR and men on online Christian ( or any I suspect ) dating sites can I please state that "God I do not remember, recall or intended to ask you to give me experiences in developing patience! I am a teacher. Of children with learning difficulties. Please! Isn't that patience development enough?!"

*sigh* Ok. On with my post.

For this round of online Christian dating ( I so dislike that word dating - must be the Aussie in me ) I joined up for only one site rather than several and was only going to pay for one month. Hilariously I signed up for a year. Accidently. Hilarious.

Ok, fine. I thought. This could be good. It will give me a year of giving this thing a proper go and not giving up when I get annoyed at the ones that push me for my details because they don't want to pay for membership outside their free trial ( but I bet they are fine paying for a pizza ! ) , or those ones that are obviously scams and greet me with a 'Hey pretty lady you is an angle...' or those ones that get my hopes up because we have chatted and emailed for weeks and then disappear when a pretty, new object comes along. ( Although I do have to wonder if I have ever been that pretty, new object ever - just putting it out there - sorry if I have been, not my fault. I had no idea ! ). I can do this.

But what I am starting to discover again, apart from the ones mentioned above, are the guys around my age who are single/never married are for the most part ( not all but for the most so far ) SASFAGR.

Clever you! There is a G there now ! How good of you to notice ;) 

Now sometimes these good reasons are good reasons. Legitimate reasons. But, um, yes. Meet some of these guys in person and they really are single for a good reason, just not particularly good for them. And it's the unGodly ones that they just fail to see that are the most disturbing.

And without me going into my experience of why some of these guys aren't married yet or even been in a relationship it makes me think about my SASFAR status and if I've moved into the realm of SASFAGR.

And apparently I kind of have. It has been brought to my attention by two ex suitors ( one that really was an ex [ aka  The Real Ex ] and one that was an online potential that fizzled out the minute we met  - lets call him Divorcing Dad ) recently and in very different ways that my SASFAGR is not what I would have expected and not what they implied actually I had to piece the puzzle together myself since I was hiding about a dozen or so pieces away under the table so to speak ;) 

Photo by jscreationzs

They didn't have the full picture because only God has the full picture and I have the little pieces of me that I hide away. 

One of my favourite verses in the Bible is from Psalm 139 V 13-14

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made your works are wonderful...


...I know that well.... and that's the bit I have trouble believing when it comes to me. 


That has essentially been my G but you can call it by it's real name. 

SHAME

More on that on day 363 or whatever. But now at least I know my real reason and I can let Him do a work in my heart and convince me that His works are wonderful, including the making of me in whatever form I am, and that I will be able to say I know that well. And truely believe it.

Do you know it well? ;)

xxxMiss365