So what's been happenin' Miss365?

Well yes. It has been a while. I have been thinking of you all and I have actually checked in a bit and had a peek at your blogs. I just couldn't bring myself to write anything about being single or my life here over these past 7 weeks. 


The best thing I have done in these past 7 weeks is not do any online dating at all. 


Ok. Well I did check into one former site when they gave me some free time. And I did find an email from a member about something random addressing something from a forum post from ages ago which sparked a four day conversation about music and fitness. But I had no illusions and once my time was up it was done. I didn't pay for the site to continue the conversation and he didn't ask for my details so I was able to leave it at that. 


So why was I able to leave it so easily? I mean this guy....smokin' hot. The former Miss365's mindset would think and possibly articulate "Out of her league" but Miss365 has had her butt in the gym for the past 6 weeks and if it's not already up there check out how much I've melted off my bod with clean eating and learning how to run.  The Miss365 now was thinking "Smokin' hot but I really don't have time for this." I know!


I have no time to think about men or boys for that matter when I am either cooking, exercising or wishing that my body wasn't quite so sore after exercising but secretly liking it because I know I've actually done some hard work. 

WHO AM I???

Lol. 


Which actually isn't a bad question really.


God has been quite persistent in getting me to work on this anxiety thing. He is way past the pruning stage and now has the root killer out. We are getting to root of the matter.


And it's surprising what is coming up. And who, how and where these revelations are taking place. 


I'm still a mess. My home is a bomb site. How Clean Is Your House would have a double epsisode here but not as many pots are rattling anymore. And when they start I have enough knowledge now to begin to think about what just "turned the heat up" and started them going. 


It's quite freeing really. Still very noisy inside my head at times. But now that I am listening to the rattling it's easier to work out why it's happening in the first place. Sometimes I can stop it with a scripture, other times a song of praise and other times just a stern word to myself to "Cut it out." Lol. 


I'm soooo happy in my job and praying that I can stay. It's unlikely because of reshuffling at a system level but I have enough support where I am at and with several people of influence that maybe, just maybe I will be able to stay. I figure that God gave me this "out" from that situation before - He's got this one covered too. :)


I've missed writing this blog but I needed to step back and concentrate on other stuff for a bit. I'm hoping that I'll be posting a couple of times a week again. 


Now I'm off to check out what you've been up to! :)


xMiss365

-249 Well....beep....you!!!!

Breathe....it's ok....that isn't aimed at you. Nor did it come out of my mouth.

But I did unfortunately hear it from two different girls last night coming home from work on the train and then walking home and both apparently were talking to their boyfriends/husbands or "Babes" as they so loudly declared as they picked up before the expletives were exchanged.

Now in both instances I was not interested in what the problem in the relationship was that day but I kid you not both of these young women ended their phone calls with the words "Well *%#$ you!" and then they hung up as loudly as their mobile phones could.

Don't you just miss the days where you could slam down the handset of the phone with emphasis?! Lol!

Anyway, as I unlocked the door to my single person abode last night I did start to wonder if all that relationship angst is going to be worth it. Am I going to be able to give up the the flat that I am decorating to my taste ? Cooking or not cooking dinner each night to the demand of my tastebuds ? Reading until all hours and falling asleep while the bedside light is burning brightly and not disturbing anyone ? Not having to negotiate life with and being tempted to end phone calls with an expletive...ok perhaps not....ok maybe a milder version of one and then a fustrated hang up of my mobile phone.

Crumbs. Am I becoming "set in my ways?" And preferring to be single because I like it ?

Oh dear. I'm going to bed. I don't like where this is heading. ;)

xMiss365

-259 Knight in a Shining Mid Sized Car

Photo by Dundee Photographics

Perhaps this is why I am single. After 12 years of having to cope with getting myself in similar situations I am able to cope with them on my own now. Perhaps God feels that I'm equipped to get myself out of my own messes that I don't seem to require my own Knight in a Shining Mid Sized Car and this is why I am single :P

Tonight His Better Half apparently somehow backed her car into a tree at her house and Rock on Bro went racing over to her house to rescue her and to help her fix the problem. He dropped everything ( making his lunch to get up for work at 4am the next morning - it was about 8pm at this point ) to go and rescue her driving over there with his trusty steed mid sized car. ;)

Now just for a bit of compare and contrast I was driving into a work driveway this morning and almost got totalled by a Mother in a BMW reversing at full speed - how she did not see my bright shiny car I have no idea! But lets just say she did ram me - my heightened understanding of nearly all parents outside schools in the morning are rather poor drivers saved me - it would have been me dealing with calling my insurance angency and organising for it to be fixed. And then perhaps letting people know by having some rant on facebook. :P

Ahh the differences between being Single and in your 30s and being In your 20s and engaged. ;)

xMiss365

-260 Mother's Day - Good Day/Bad Day

Today was like one of those Sad Face/Happy Face kind of days. There were good bits and bad bits. Parts that made me smile and parts that made me sob. A moment where I felt valued and a few others where I felt out of the loop and shut out. A day where I praised God in the beginning the Church service but by the time I came home I was trying to repent of my attitude and selfishness.

I'm not sure how much to share with you. I did say that this blog was going to be a somewhat honest look at what it was like to be Single & Christian in Sydney. And although I'm not openly stating who I am I am sure that if anyone I know ever stumbled across this blog ( and it's possible if I accidentally leave my blogger editing page open on my ipad or even in the early days of writing I had it bookmarked in Safari on the ipad - no longer! Lol! ) they would know it was me and in some ways know much more about my thoughts and heartaches than they really should.

So lets just say this to preface why I found today so hard. A long, long time ago I lost something that I didn't know that I had until I didn't any longer at a time where my world was falling down around me. It makes not only this time of year a little sad when I remember but also events like today as well. I have been praying for so many years that I would have all of these things again but better because it was God planned and God timed but it hasn't happened. And so I guess I grieve for the idea of what could have been.

This morning started off fine. I knew I wouldn't be seeing my Mum for Mother's Day today as she was visiting family but I would talk to her a little later. I went to Church and we had such an amazingly beautiful time of worship I can't even put into words how thankful I felt to be there.

I had steeled myself for the empathsis on being a Mother and the importance and blessing it was to be one in the sermon and it was a surprise and really wonderful to hear our Pastor's wife  ( Pastor N ) acknowledge carers and teachers as being "Mothers" too. Refreshing.

The women had beautifully arranged High Tea arranged for after the service for all the Mums and Grandmothers in our Church to sit down and be blessed. Before I could make my quick get away - lest not stand out as pretty much the only non Mum or Wife in their 30s - Pastor N grabs me and tells me that I need to come up the back too as I look after kids more than anyone she knows. Holding....back...the...tears....

Still feeling like a fraud though I let myself be distracted by Polly Pocket & Such A Boy and their requests to play with my ipad and to sit with them. So I did for a while. And we had fun.

But then I looked up the back to see all these Mum and Grandmothers talking and sharing together and I felt like I had been excluded from something ( not by these women but in general ) that was special. And then the horrid thoughts of not being "good enough" or "ever being a Mum" and then reminding me what was lost hit me like a tidal wave out of nowhere. And I just had to get out of there.

I drove down the road a bit turned off the engine and just sobbed for about 15 minutes to the point where I almost couldn't breathe. I felt like I had just lost the most important person in the world to me I was being that ridiculous.

So by the time I got home then came the selfish thoughts. The "me me me me me" chorus was in full swing.

And then God smacked me across the side of the head with the reminder that there are so many women out there who want to be Mother's but are infertile ( I have 3 cousins struggling with this issue right now ) or those who have lost their children or grandchildren to either death or divorce. And so many other situations.

But then sadly all of this hasn't stopped the random acts of crying that have occurred today. Again I say ridiculous. And perhaps you will say that I am alright to have these feelings.

And that's why it's been such a weird day of contrasts.

*Insert :) and :( where you see the need ;)

xMiss365

-261 Singles Harbour Cruise Follow Up...lol

Photo by photostock

So I could not have predicted this. I'm not sure what to make of it. Probably nothing at all really.

Remember the "Christian" singles harbour cruise I went on a few weeks ago ? Yes ? No? Here's the link :)

Well while cruising that day I was talking the organiser and a few others and she was saying that she was going to plan a Salsa dancing night where we could get together, have a few drinks, learn Salsa from an instructor and then go clubbing afterward. I said at the time that it sounded fun but I didn't really think too hard about it.

The organiser has merged her singles groups again ( Christians and just singles between 25-39 ) and organised the night for the end of this month. She keeps sending general emails to everyone telling us how many guys tickets are left ( they are now sold out ) and how many girls tickets are left ( apparently there are 3 left ). Today I got a personal email from her asking me how I was and if I was coming to the Salsa night as some of the others had asked if I had received the email and if I was.

Now I am still a "member" of the Christian meet up group and haven't received any "Hi's" from any of those members so it must have been from the couple of "Christianity unknown" guys I was talking to that day.

I'm not going on the Salsa night anyway - logistics stop me - but it seems, as usual, that I capture the interest more of "Christianity Unknown" guys than "Christianity Declared" guys.

Who'd a thunk it?! ;)

xMiss365

-262 My name is Miss365 and I am single

Photo previously credited

Pride swallowed for the first time tonight regarding being possibly "set up" and it wasn't as painful and didn't choke me as I thought it would. 

Yup - I swallowed my pride and after ended up at The Crew's place tonight ( The Princess wasn't well so we are dinner-ing next Saturday night ) I expressed to Bestest Bud, Bonsai Master and my friend from camp that came over for dinner that I needed to be kept in mind when they were doing things with groups of friends or knew guys around my age - or younger - that were single.  It was more pride swallowing for my camp friend rather than Bestest Bud or Bonsai Master because they both acknowledge that who they know I generally know as well. But I did it. And I didn't die. ;)

Although I did learn something tonight, that perhaps I had rolled my eyes without explaining myself one too many times to Bonsai Master when he had previously told me about a single guy who was "Christian, single and about your age" as the only prerequisites for setting me up, in theory, with someone he had come in contact with. When he mentioned someone he knew and he started along the perhaps route I looked at him and he said "Oh maybe not for you....(must've seen my face fall )....or then maybe perhaps for you then". So I have to wonder if I have a long time ago set myself up too much as Miss-Independent-I-can-find-my-own-man-thank-you-very-much. 

So next week I will mention this to The Princess & The American Boy and in a few weeks time another couple who should have a vast amount of access to singles ( both male & female ) that have social lives - hopefully anyway!

Pride swallowed and hopefully something new will come :)

xMiss365

-265 On my own

Photo by Winnod

My feet and legs hurt. 

Why ? You might ask ? 

I walked for about 5 hours straight and had a great time. 

So this morning I woke up and decided to go to the Easter Show today. No matter that I had no one to go with. I decided to go on my own and while I can't say I had a fabulous time I did have a nice time wandering around and looking at everything I wanted to look at. It was a very selfish visit to the Easter Show. Weird. The only thing I didn't particularly like doing solo was staying around for the Rodeo or any of the Arena shows or the fireworks - and you know how much I love fireworks! - it was boring sitting there on my own. So I bailed and went home. 

But I had a great day. I came home with a candle that smells like Creme Brulee, Sugar Cookies and Carrot Cake...mmmm :)

xMiss365

-267 Facebook makes me lonely

Miss365's iphone

Reading Facebook check ins on a Friday or Saturday night is starting to make me really quite lonely. The trend of not only announcing to the world all your friends that you are at some exciting and fun place other than home ( and some of my friends actually check in at home and make that sound exciting ie. Miss M is at Miss M's Spa and Poolside lounge  ) but with someone is *sigh*worthy to us bored at home singles. :P

And I'm not Miss Innocent when it comes to checking in either. I love to check in when I'm doing something fun. Particularly when I'm with someone - and no not on a date - sheesh! - I would tell you if I had one of those!

But when you've been hanging out with The Ninjas with Migraine sticks and Flu nun-chucks all week it makes Miss365 more lonely than ever to read how everyone is enjoying their extra long Easter long weekend out and about with people. *sigh* I'm not jealous and I'm perfectly aware that I could ring people to see what they are doing but I suspect those who are coupled up are out and those who are familied up are at home getting the kids ready for bed and not really doing very much at all really. I really need to work on this. 

This is one of the sucky things about being single and mid thirties and living alone. My social life is really quite annoying it's either a flood or a drought. And it's also making me seriously wonder how much more of this I can stand and what I can do about changing this. The singles harbour cruise did not live up to expectation and that Meet Up group was a fizzer so back to the drawing board ( so to speak ). What next ? Any suggestions ? 

Edit : Ok so I just got a text from Bestest Bud wondering if I was free next Saturday night ( I'm not The Princess booked me for dinner about a month ago - see! Flood or drought!) because she's catching up with a mutual friend of ours that we both do camp with. I am selfishly slightly irritated because I sometimes feel like this invites are second hand and I'm like the afterthought. And I know I'm not and it's just a consequence of the three of us ( me, Bestest Bud & Bonsai Master) being thought of as a symbiotic entity that still does everything together but it still makes me sigh. Thank you to The Princess for inviting me out separate to The Crew. I need that once in a while :) 



xMiss365

-271 Things I learned on a singles cruise

Wedge heels are pretty but there are days when your feet hurt without warning. Today was one of those days. New shoes were going to be required. Luckily I had time to spare and I knew just where to get some cheap flats.

Market City. Downstairs cheap and cheerful markets. Upstairs factory outlets.

New super cheap flats purchased.

And a super super hot hat perfect for being memorable and also good for sun protection out on the Harbour. It was a beautifully warm Autumn day today ! 

So on the way down to the wharf I was hopeful that I would meet some other Christians that had the potential to become social acquaintances and possibly friends ( and yes maybe I was hoping to spy a cute male or two !)

 While on the Harbour Cruising this is what I learned today :

• I blabber a bit too much when I am nervous.
• The food was not worth $60 and I ate about $5 worth of food and drank a $2 diet coke. 
• I don't particularly love standard small talk questions and don't really love the way I answer them. 
• I need to become better prepared with small talk answers. 
• I need to have an answer for what are my pastimes other than making excuses for why I don't seem to have any. Which is rubbish because I do lots of things to pass the time. Just not things that sound appealing...."Oh I procrastinate a lot, I stare at the washing up and then avoid it, I blog, I check facebook, I watch DVDs I've seen a lot because they are comfortable, I sleep and avoid Ninjas wielding Migraine sticks...lol. Yup. Need to come up with good answers. Lol.
• The best looking guy was not the most interesting.
• The geeky, Science guy was the most interesting. 
• The guys all gravitated towards the small boned, blonde hostess even though she wasn't all that great of a conversationalist. 
• The brunette Catholic girl was the best conversationalist but lost the guys attention when she said that she was doing Lent at the moment. 
• I won't be going on another one. Or it's very doubtful....because....
• It wasn't really a group for Christian singles...it was a bunch of different singles groups invited and mashed together. *sigh* I have no idea who was Christian and who wasn't. 
• The view was great !
• As the day went on I got a lot more comfortable. 
• And I learned that I need to work on small talk...did I say that already ;)

 

So I needed a mint skim Grande iced cafe mocha from Starbucks on the way back to catch the train back to my car. I found out I had missed out on the Dark Cherry Mochas by only a week. *sigh* 

Even though it wasn't what I was looking for today I did take a step out to do something different. I took a chance and stepped out of my comfort zone. Who knows what I'll do next? 

xMiss365

-272 Baby let's cruise

By Miss365

So tomorrow I am going on my first ever Singles event. Eeek ! It's a lunchtime Easter Harbour Cruise around Sydney Harbour and a group of Christians on a Meet-up site have booked a table of 8 girls and 8 guys from ages 25-39. 

And I go between wanting to go and not really wanting to go. 

There are some days I wake up on the side of being an extrovert. Happy to chat to new people and making sense. And then there are those days ( usually ones where a Ninja holding a Migraine stick is following me around. Lol! ) where I am hovering on the introvert side and I can't really be bothered to talk to new people and I kind of observe and shut down. 

I hope I wake up Ninja free tomorrow. 

I bought a new dress. I have cute shoes. My Uni assessment got uploaded 3 hours earlier than cut off time ( a miracle of Moses proportions! ) so I believe I am meant to go. 

I am not really thinking I am going to meet a man. But I am hoping that I will connect a bit with these girls and get a bit more a social life going on since everyone else is home bound on the weekends lately. Give me an alternative :)

Shall let you know how I get on :)

xMiss365

-279 Shame is a bubbling up

The events of the past week or so are prompting me to believe that God is attempting to teach me something about myself once again. He's shaking my tree and pruning the dead branches, hopefully so that new, beautiful fruit has the opportunity to grow. I just need to let him and not dodge the pruning sheers when He brings them out. ;)

Not long after I started this blog I wrote a post about my shame being pinned with a yellow ribbon in ballet exams. That yellow ribbon meant that I was not expected to pass my exam and/or I couldn't be paired up properly with another dancer in my grade with a similar body type. I knew this even as a 7 or 8 year old and I felt shame that I wasn't slender and birdlike and that there was something not 'normal' about me. Big fat lie. But one that stuck.

Since July 2010 when I found out that I was having silent daily chronic migraines that was screwing up my metabolism, giving me constant gastro-intestinal issues and cycles of having energy to burn and then no energy whatsoever, I have lost about 25kg ( 55 pounds ) and have gone from a size 18 - 20 to a size 14 in normal sizes. Big big change. Yay me. And yay migraine prevention meds. :)

But I'm still left with the mentality of being big. And the shame that I attached to it. In the other post I wrote....

I don't deserve...

• To be treated with respect ( because I am ashamed )
• To have someone that I find attractive say that they find me attractive as well ( because I am ashamed )
• To ask for help when I need it I should be independent and not be a burden on people ( because I am ashamed )
• To say that I am hurt when my feelings are hurt ( because I am ashamed )
• A body that I am proud of ( because I am ashamed - I am really ashamed because even though I do exercise and eat well most of the time I can't do it for more than a few months and end up back where I started, then I'm just lazy and having Nanna naps every afternoon, tired and eating random stuff. I am ashamed because I have no self control. I like the first lot of the fruits of the Spirit. But the sense of shame I get whenever I hear or have to teach on the fruits ( Galatians 5:22 ) just brings me deeper down again and more disconnected with myself. 

And now I realise that I am ashamed that I am single. I am ashamed that by the age of 36 I haven't been in a relationship for 12 years, been introduced to anyone by my friends, been kissed, had a relationship start with a guy that I had a strong connection with and not be told that he "...felt connected to me but it was wrong" or that "God said no but that didn't mean I was physically unattractive" or "I like you but I'm just not attracted to you at the moment maybe down the track", lost the confident young girl that just used to look at a guy and he was interested not just because she was cute but because she had that inner light, even though the weight gain was mostly the migraines I must've done something wrong. 

And it's a battle because I was just telling someone that I can see that over the past twelve years of being big and single that God has created my character that I wouldn't have been had I not been big. I wouldn't have had the compassion for others and been drawn to the job I do, or run the disability camp or get involved in Kids ministry, or want to live a life that makes a difference. It would have been all about the fact that I can sing and it still would be all about 'me me me' look at what I can do. 

I know who I am in Christ. I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that I am blessed because I have legs, arms and a body that does what I generally want it to do, I know that getting married is not a reward system set up with God "If I am a good Christian, He will bless me with a husband". 

Why am I still thinking through the shame filter? Is it just going to take time for my thinking to catch up with what my body looks like now and what it will look like when I lose another 20 or so kilos ? 

I have no answers tonight but I do think that's why I am annoyed by the boxes at the moment. I am ashamed of my single state and being thought of as a 'yellow ribbon' person in life because I am not married.

xMiss365 

-280 Why it's none of your business or Tomorrow has arrived ( You pick the title today )

Well dear readers, tomorrow is here and I have thought about why I was so bugged, irritated, downright snippy, rebellious about the need to clarify if I was indeed;

• Single
• Married
• Widowed
• Divorced

My initial reaction  I admit was annoyance and reluctance in essence to put myself back in a box, even on a form that will be typed into a database and place in a filing cabinet for a year. After all, this time next year I could be ticking the Married box. God can do amazing things in 12months. This I see even our leaders lives year after year. However I was too bugged by it.

Overnight I started to think about the options and how I would feel about ticking those.  

• Married -  Ms. Blasé you are right in saying that "... all of the married chicks I know jump at the chance to announce their marital status to the world. (And quite frankly, I would too if I were married!"  Yep, so would I but in a 1% way at the moment I am glad I can't tick that as I wouldn't have had the opportunity to think about this. Being Married is a feeling to be proud of. There is no shame attached. Your have been 'chosen' by someone other than God. You can prove that another human being of the opposite sex believes you to be so awesome that they are willing to share living arrangements, a bed, possibilities of the toothpaste lid being off or on, having to put the toilet seat down or forever be nagged about it and about a million other things. Married appears to be a status to be proud of. 
• Single - Well you know how I feel about being single. Equal parts love and sad with a side order of shame for the age I am at anyway. If I was a younger leader to tick single would not faze me at all or if it did it would only be a bit of wistful 'I wish'. But....to be ticking that box at 36 just brings up the feelings of shame that no one of the opposite sex thinks I am awesome enough to...etc etc etc. 
• Divorced - I dread to think how at least two of our leaders are going to feel having to tick this box ( and it's not even accurate - they need a separated box to be legally correct ) after the trauma and pain they have gone through the past few years. Every marriage has a story. Ticking this box puts a big invisible scarlet D on this person without knowing their circumstances. Depending on who is privy to reading these forms an their own personal beliefs about Divorce, no matter what the view of the Denomination you cannot control individual's own perspectives on such a Christian controverial topic. 
• Widowed - While I appreciate that they have this box how hard would that be to tick if it were recent? 

Basically the only option that wouldn't cause any type of shame or sadness or worry that I would be labelled.....oh and remember I am volunteering to Direct/lead on a camp for Disabilites where we actively promote not being labelled.....would be Married or Single ( if I was in my 20s or I didn't want to be married ).

Hmmmm.

I had a chat to Bestest Bud and Bonsai Master about it today while talking and organising camp stuff and we came to the conclusion that they are probably doing it for survey purposes. Which I then counter that to make it relevant they need to have more options - "Separated" &  "I prefer not to say"  and make it clear which sections are for data collection and which sections are for determining your suitability for Directing or Leading on their camps. Again it's a case of one perspective type people designing forms without looking outside the box ( so to speak ) and considering that their questions may cause people to be labeled as a result. 

xMiss365


PS Bestest Bud ( who is not rebellious at all ) said to leave it blank. In fact she said there were several things that she found intrusive on the form that she will be "Whoops" forgetting to fill out. Big big lol.

-281 None of your business

Photo by Keattikorn

As I write this I am filling out a form that I am required to complete every year to 'apply' to be the Assistant Director of a camp for Teens with disabilities that I run with Bestest Bud each year. This year there is a new form. 

I just got to the stage where I am asked my marital status. Am I....

• Single
• Married
• Divorced
• Widowed?

I would like a fifth option. "None of your business" or "What does it matter?" Really. 

It's not in the 'Next of Kin' question. 

I'm not answering it. I am annoyed by it. Bad attitude perhaps but I really don't see any need. Unless someone can tell me a really excellent reason why the overseeing denomination needs to know the marital status of the leaders of the various camps they run 'Whoops' my box will remain a mystery.



Ok - perhaps a "I'd prefer not to comment" option might work. Yep. Really. Really. Bad stinking attitude. I get it. I just can't work out why it's relevant. Being tired doesn't help. 

I'll adopt a Scarlett O'Hara attitude now and think about this tomorrow ;)

xMiss365

-283 1/2 Stuck in a box - the answer

Thanks Michelle & Miss Blasé for your comments on Day -283 Stuck in a Box. I really appreciate them. A lot. Encouragement and wisdom from both of you. *love* 

So after wondering, being annoyed rather than angry and just plain confused over this apparent perception of me. I did exactly what I supposed to do. I prayed. And I knew that I really should firstly talk to Bestest Bud to see if that was her perception of me since it was implied that I was clingy and dependent to her & Bonsai Master ( as I wrote about in the previous post ) but I also knew that I needed to talk to the friend in question and find out whether this was a story that was fed to her by someone else or if it was her impression.  


Since I knew the circumstances and events that had led up to this friend expressing this perception I was able to approach her about this and clear up why I had actually left a ministry that we were both a part of up until recently. At the time that I left I was unable to tell anyone the real reason ( I needed to make a break between my personal life and professional life ) but I couldn't do that until I had spoken to the person in question. I realised through talking to her that she had drawn her own conclusions and those conclusions came to the fact that due to an unrelated comment by Bestest Bud this friend put two and two together and came up with "Miss365 because she is single has been too clingy and dependent on Bestest Bud  & The Crew and needed to leave and their friendship is in tatters". 


Basically it boiled down to the fact that so far it's just this one particular friend's perception ( and whoever else has chosen to believe her interpretation of events over the past few years ) based on her overwhelming need to get, keep and marry as soon as possible rather than be single. I really should have thought about it a little more deeply but I got caught up in the fact she knew an event that happened between myself & Bestest Bud  that I hadn't shared with her. 


But it did get me thinking that I am going to have to either accept or rail against this perception that when you are single that it's easy to be put in the "clingy, dependent" box based on other peoples perceptions of singleness rather than your own actions. If I was clingy and dependent I would be inviting myself over to peoples places, calling them constantly, crying when no one was paying attention to me and wouldn't be writing a blog every most days because I would be too busy stomping my feet and demanding that my friends pay me some attention ;)


I can't control other peoples perceptions of singleness. I barely even control my perception of singleness as it changes so much from month to month as the desert gets longer and longer. So I'd better just accept it but ask questions and stand up for myself calmly like I did in this situation. I think I escaped this box but if she puts me back in, well meh I have other things to think about. ;)


xMiss365

-283 Stuck in a box

Photo by posterize

GAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Well one of my worse ( well not THE worst but close ) "singleton" fears was confirmed on my 'lady date' last night. At least one ( or more by the sounds of it ) of our mutual friends/acquaintances see me as the.....

SINGLE FRIEND WHO IS CLINGY AND DEPENDENT

Yup. And the circumstances & context implies that it wasn't a one off or something that was just an 'off the cuff' kind of comment. *sigh* So not the image I have been trying to cultivate. 

Thankfully things have been so much better between myself and Bestest Bud lately that I was able to ask her how she felt ( since it was implied that I was dependent on The Crew ) and after a honest and inner knee knocking chat both her and Bonsai Master alleviated my fears and confirmed that I was not dependent nor clingy and in fact I threw a spanner in the works in our living arrangements when I announced that I was going to buy my own place.  I did this about 4 years previous when I realised that my whole world was connected to them ( work, home, friends, church ) and if they moved away I would be left to rebuild exactly like I needed to do when The Non Bachelor and I broke up.

So imagine my dismay and yes, annoyance to find out that some see me as the 'tragic, co dependent single person' even though I don't think I have actually done anything to deserve that reputation. I probably didn't announce to the world that I initiated the splitting up of the Miss 365 & The Crew living arrangements after almost 3 successful years of sharing a house. Silly me ;)  

I know I shouldn't care what others think of me and as I am typing this Galatians 1:10 comes to mind;

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. 

But GAH! These are my friends. And I am clingy? Or is that just because they don't understand how it took time for all of us ( myself & The Crew ) to adjust to not living with each other anymore. Is the assumption that because I am the single one that somehow my life is lacking so therefore I mooch off Bestest Bud & Bonsai Master's awesome twosome life?

So readers - ever been put in that clingy box and been bugged by it ? How did you get out or did you have to get married to get out ? Or did it not matter ? 

I'm sure if I don't think about it anymore it won't matter ;)

xMiss365

-290 Single Blogging Community vs. Single Community in Real Life

Photo by luigi diamanti

This weekend has been one of those weekends of contrasts. I've found solace and excitement in finding new members of the Single & Fabulous  ( and non single and amazing ) Blogging Community and also once again realising that while I have amazing and wonderful friends in real life through stepping down from a particular ministry last year and the fact most of them are either married with young kids, newly married or geographically challenged ( lol, haven't used that term in a while! ) I feel disconnected every weekend from that community if there is no pre arranged event planned by someone. 

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that I wanted to see Gnomeo and Juliet and I have yet to see it because I am simply tired of seeing movies on my own. WHINE ALERT AHEAD! - so of course last weekend and this weekend I couldn't find anyone to go with. The reason ? Family commitments either with their own plans for entertainment with their husbands and kids or family bbqs and parties. *sigh* And before you tell me the joy of going to movies on my own - I am well versed in going to see movies on my own or I wouldn't have seen hardly any movies in the past number of years at the actual movies but I am seriously and simply tired of doing it. Over it. With a captial O.

Where did my community of friends go where we used to hang out, go see bands on weekends, grab a coffee, have dinner out, go for random trips to the beach in the afternoon?....Oh yeah they formed their own community. Their family unit. Which I completely get. It's just that I am feeling the loss and I don't actually know anyone else who is single that I can do these things with at the moment. I think this is the fourth weekend I've spent at home on my own. There has been stuff I wanted to do but because I am in this funk of being tired of doing stuff on my own I've been napping a lot, reading, on the computer and sighing. *sigh*

Praying for a way to fix this. And if I do stay single this will pass because my friend's kids will get bigger and will form their own community of friends and I'll get my friends back again. But I'm not sure how else to expand my world without neglecting the one I have.

That said I've had a fun weekend reading these new blogs and getting insight into other people's lives and I'm finding I'm neglecting the pile of books I want to read because I'm finding all your lives much more interesting. :)

Monday tomorrow. Big busy work day.

xMiss365

-293 My List or The List or What do you have on your list? ( Thursday 24th February, 2011 )

"So what's on YOUR LIST Miss 365? You know if you write a list of everything you want in a man and pray about it then God will give you that man and you'll live happily ever after....I wrote a list and I got everything on my list and now we live so happy together"

Blerg.

Sorry if I sound bitter. I'm not. I just hate that 'Write a list and that's how God will introduce you to the man you will wed" mentality. 

And yes, I have written lists over the years and so have some of my friends. From memory I think I've only read Bestest Bud's list and despite her's being somewhat lengthy it was character based rather than physicality based. Oh, and yes Bonsai Master did fit her list - although true to God form not in the way you would have pictured him - at all. Lol. 

I've come across a few of these lists over the past few weeks when doing some decluttering and while some of them made me laugh because I obviously wrote them mid crush - they did have a few things in common. So perhaps I do still have an 'inner list' which I guess isn't a bad thing. 

So after a little reflection and listening to that 'still small voice of God' basically my list is....

• A man after God's own heart
• A man who loves me and wants to create an incredible life with me
• A man whose face lights up when I walk into a room
• A man who has a destiny and purpose and who wants to make a difference & loves the same in me
• A man who gives good hugs and has a kissable face ( kissable face has nothing to do with looks but that I am attracted to him because of who he is )
• A man that wants to have a  good home, work, church, fun balance in his life
• A man who is steady but can be somewhat flexible and spontaneous too ( he'll need to be in order to cope with me ! )
• A man that I can have fun with, laugh with and while be my 'best friend' still get that I need my girlfriends ( because he'll understand that I need to talk shoes, analyze relationships and work goings on etc and it will be in his best interests ! Lol )
• A man that wants kids, would like to try to have kids, but won't walk away if we can't have kids. 

Now while not necessarily on my 'list' as such I would really like it if we had music, similar taste in comedy and traveling in common. But it would be excellent if we had a whole range of other differences as well -  like if he was better with money than I was (but not a total scrooge!), not a teacher ( boring! I know far too many teachers already - I need variety! ) and is accepting of people and where they are at. 


So that's my list really and sits in the back of my head only to pop up every now and then and remind me of it's existence. I don't think it's unrealistic and I'm not actively seeking the points on the list like a checklist every time I meet someone. For me I believe it's more a way of keeping my heart guarded and a reminder of what I really am seeking rather than if I am just settling out of loneliness. 


Ok, my regular commenters or commenter :).... and those of you that lurk - out yourself and comment on this one ! Be kind though ! This is after all from my heart and I bruise easily you know ! ;)


xMiss365

-294 How do you stop looking? ( Wednesday 23rd February, 2011 )

Photo by Tungphoto

Driving home this afternoon I was listening to an interview on the radio where an radio host was interviewing Danni Minogue and the conversation turned to dating and the host's lack there of a year ago. The host thanked Danni for  giving her what she considered the best advice ever the year previously in regards to her love life. Apparently Danni had looked so content in her relationship that the host just had to know what the secret was to finding contentment like that and so of course Danni told her to....

Just Stop Looking

Of course. Why didn't I think of that?! ;)

Do you know how many times I have genuinely tried to have a full and happy life and not think, pray, daydream or even dream about being in relationship, meeting someone or even having a decent member of the opposite sex interested in me?! It's boring, really hard and exhausting at the same time. 

But as I kept battling on through the peak hour traffic home I continued to think about this. Although it's easier said than done ( and this is hard to admit ) I maaaayyyyyy be getting a lot more used to the idea that I might not get married and may never have kids of my own and perhaps I am closer to the point where I'm not actually actively looking as much any more. And as the clock is running down ( as in the biological clock ) shouldn't I be upping the the looking and the doing rather than pulling back ? 

I'm not sure if this acceptance is just another thing to hide behind just in case I get rejected or that there isn't actually anyone out there who would find me amazing enough for him to want to spend his life with or if it's because through in part writing this blog and working out some other stuff in my life I am realising that I like my freedom now a little too much. What I don't like is not having many people to utilise that freedom with but give it a few years and their kids will be older and hopefully more fun and socialising can be had again. It's not a fun thing to ponder while tired and knowing full well that I have a really busy day at work tomorrow so I'm going to leave this there but other than slowly getting to know Bachelor #4 I am just not looking for anyone. 

How do you know the difference between 'can't be bothered anymore' and 'just not looking' ? 

xMiss365

-322 Hotel for Cats - Back to the blog ( Wednesday 5th January 2011 )

Photo of Fluffy by Miss365

My first full day at home no one to talk to, all on my own just me, myself and The Cat Empire....no..not even The Cat Empire. He was still at Devoted Dad & Marvelous Mum's being given all the love and attention he craves in his little egotistical, wavyhaired, alert little body ;)

So what did I do with my day ?

Oh I went back to my regular holiday routine. Slept in until about 11am, lay in bed and checked all the usual social networking sites & email in bed on the iPad ( new to the holiday routine and let me say that I like it. I like it a lot! Lol ), getting out of bed and having a combo breakfast/lunch that is far too late and lazy to be called brunch and perhaps having an after breakfast/lunch Nanna Nap again ( thanks to The Princess for demonstrating on our holiday away that it was perfectly legitimate to do so ) ;)

So I did leave my 1000 white thread count sheets and doona cover bed eventually. Marvellous Mum did call wanting to know when The Cat Empire was going to leave the 'Hotel for Cats'. Marvellous Mum ( and by default Devoted Dad ) have strays they have adopted.

• Cornelius ( otherwise known as Mao ) Father who adopted Marvellous Mum by essentially being lazy and plonking himself in her backyard. She fell in love with him because he was placid ( deceived by his lack of inner drive to move and innate laziness ) and after bringing home Girlfriend #1 whom was white, lovely and lame and had to be taken to a local cat protection society. Cornelius/Mao bided his time and then sent Girlfriend #2 and the 2 kids to their doorstep before taking off for a few days before Marvellous Mum could make the connection. Once they were fed and looked like they could 'stay' Cornelius/Mao came back. Marvelous Mum scolded him to no avail.
• Mother ( no otherwise known as ) obviously loves Cornelius/Mao with blind love as we are convinced he has other families and is a cat bigamist. Current mother of 2 teenagers and 5 kittens.
• Clifford ( aka Cheeky ) Cheeky teenage boy who landed on doorstep at about 12 weeks old. First one to be desexed. Loves his mum. 
• Clarabelle ( aka Catgirl aka Clifford depending on who you talk to ) Catgirl ( my name ) Clifford ( Rock on Bro's name before knowing she was a girl ) very skittish. Caused havoc in experienced Vet's office when going to be desexed. Can climb up and stay hovering between blinds and windows with surprising ease. Loves lizards and frogs. Has kitten envy. 
• The kittens - There are Chairman Mao ( has a white goatee ), Mowhawk ( has a stripe down his/her head), Ugly ( I do not know why and I'm not sure who named him/her ), Fluffy ( this cat is hilarious. He looks like his fur is constantly plauged with static electricity. And he is fairly ridiculous ) & Devoted Dad's little mate ( loves his tummy rubbed, coming inside the house etc ).

So in the not too distant future the kittens are being taken to a Cat Society place that finds homes for kittens and proclaimed they do not enthanise. Marvellous Mum has decided to keep Fluffy ( or at least one kitten ). I think I have convinced her to keep Devoted Dad's little mate too.

I am a bad influence ;)

So yes back to the blog ( amazing where these posts can go sometimes ! ) I did pick up The Cat Empire that afternoon and caught up with the Paries ( short for Parents ) and by the time I came home it was evening and I had a very exciting day to look forward to and some flat cleaning up to do.

Yay! My first quiet day at home after holiday away survived ! Go me!

xMiss365