-279 Shame is a bubbling up

The events of the past week or so are prompting me to believe that God is attempting to teach me something about myself once again. He's shaking my tree and pruning the dead branches, hopefully so that new, beautiful fruit has the opportunity to grow. I just need to let him and not dodge the pruning sheers when He brings them out. ;)

Not long after I started this blog I wrote a post about my shame being pinned with a yellow ribbon in ballet exams. That yellow ribbon meant that I was not expected to pass my exam and/or I couldn't be paired up properly with another dancer in my grade with a similar body type. I knew this even as a 7 or 8 year old and I felt shame that I wasn't slender and birdlike and that there was something not 'normal' about me. Big fat lie. But one that stuck.

Since July 2010 when I found out that I was having silent daily chronic migraines that was screwing up my metabolism, giving me constant gastro-intestinal issues and cycles of having energy to burn and then no energy whatsoever, I have lost about 25kg ( 55 pounds ) and have gone from a size 18 - 20 to a size 14 in normal sizes. Big big change. Yay me. And yay migraine prevention meds. :)

But I'm still left with the mentality of being big. And the shame that I attached to it. In the other post I wrote....

I don't deserve...

• To be treated with respect ( because I am ashamed )
• To have someone that I find attractive say that they find me attractive as well ( because I am ashamed )
• To ask for help when I need it I should be independent and not be a burden on people ( because I am ashamed )
• To say that I am hurt when my feelings are hurt ( because I am ashamed )
• A body that I am proud of ( because I am ashamed - I am really ashamed because even though I do exercise and eat well most of the time I can't do it for more than a few months and end up back where I started, then I'm just lazy and having Nanna naps every afternoon, tired and eating random stuff. I am ashamed because I have no self control. I like the first lot of the fruits of the Spirit. But the sense of shame I get whenever I hear or have to teach on the fruits ( Galatians 5:22 ) just brings me deeper down again and more disconnected with myself. 

And now I realise that I am ashamed that I am single. I am ashamed that by the age of 36 I haven't been in a relationship for 12 years, been introduced to anyone by my friends, been kissed, had a relationship start with a guy that I had a strong connection with and not be told that he "...felt connected to me but it was wrong" or that "God said no but that didn't mean I was physically unattractive" or "I like you but I'm just not attracted to you at the moment maybe down the track", lost the confident young girl that just used to look at a guy and he was interested not just because she was cute but because she had that inner light, even though the weight gain was mostly the migraines I must've done something wrong. 

And it's a battle because I was just telling someone that I can see that over the past twelve years of being big and single that God has created my character that I wouldn't have been had I not been big. I wouldn't have had the compassion for others and been drawn to the job I do, or run the disability camp or get involved in Kids ministry, or want to live a life that makes a difference. It would have been all about the fact that I can sing and it still would be all about 'me me me' look at what I can do. 

I know who I am in Christ. I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that I am blessed because I have legs, arms and a body that does what I generally want it to do, I know that getting married is not a reward system set up with God "If I am a good Christian, He will bless me with a husband". 

Why am I still thinking through the shame filter? Is it just going to take time for my thinking to catch up with what my body looks like now and what it will look like when I lose another 20 or so kilos ? 

I have no answers tonight but I do think that's why I am annoyed by the boxes at the moment. I am ashamed of my single state and being thought of as a 'yellow ribbon' person in life because I am not married.

xMiss365 

-280 Why it's none of your business or Tomorrow has arrived ( You pick the title today )

Well dear readers, tomorrow is here and I have thought about why I was so bugged, irritated, downright snippy, rebellious about the need to clarify if I was indeed;

• Single
• Married
• Widowed
• Divorced

My initial reaction  I admit was annoyance and reluctance in essence to put myself back in a box, even on a form that will be typed into a database and place in a filing cabinet for a year. After all, this time next year I could be ticking the Married box. God can do amazing things in 12months. This I see even our leaders lives year after year. However I was too bugged by it.

Overnight I started to think about the options and how I would feel about ticking those.  

• Married -  Ms. Blasé you are right in saying that "... all of the married chicks I know jump at the chance to announce their marital status to the world. (And quite frankly, I would too if I were married!"  Yep, so would I but in a 1% way at the moment I am glad I can't tick that as I wouldn't have had the opportunity to think about this. Being Married is a feeling to be proud of. There is no shame attached. Your have been 'chosen' by someone other than God. You can prove that another human being of the opposite sex believes you to be so awesome that they are willing to share living arrangements, a bed, possibilities of the toothpaste lid being off or on, having to put the toilet seat down or forever be nagged about it and about a million other things. Married appears to be a status to be proud of. 
• Single - Well you know how I feel about being single. Equal parts love and sad with a side order of shame for the age I am at anyway. If I was a younger leader to tick single would not faze me at all or if it did it would only be a bit of wistful 'I wish'. But....to be ticking that box at 36 just brings up the feelings of shame that no one of the opposite sex thinks I am awesome enough to...etc etc etc. 
• Divorced - I dread to think how at least two of our leaders are going to feel having to tick this box ( and it's not even accurate - they need a separated box to be legally correct ) after the trauma and pain they have gone through the past few years. Every marriage has a story. Ticking this box puts a big invisible scarlet D on this person without knowing their circumstances. Depending on who is privy to reading these forms an their own personal beliefs about Divorce, no matter what the view of the Denomination you cannot control individual's own perspectives on such a Christian controverial topic. 
• Widowed - While I appreciate that they have this box how hard would that be to tick if it were recent? 

Basically the only option that wouldn't cause any type of shame or sadness or worry that I would be labelled.....oh and remember I am volunteering to Direct/lead on a camp for Disabilites where we actively promote not being labelled.....would be Married or Single ( if I was in my 20s or I didn't want to be married ).

Hmmmm.

I had a chat to Bestest Bud and Bonsai Master about it today while talking and organising camp stuff and we came to the conclusion that they are probably doing it for survey purposes. Which I then counter that to make it relevant they need to have more options - "Separated" &  "I prefer not to say"  and make it clear which sections are for data collection and which sections are for determining your suitability for Directing or Leading on their camps. Again it's a case of one perspective type people designing forms without looking outside the box ( so to speak ) and considering that their questions may cause people to be labeled as a result. 

xMiss365


PS Bestest Bud ( who is not rebellious at all ) said to leave it blank. In fact she said there were several things that she found intrusive on the form that she will be "Whoops" forgetting to fill out. Big big lol.

-281 None of your business

Photo by Keattikorn

As I write this I am filling out a form that I am required to complete every year to 'apply' to be the Assistant Director of a camp for Teens with disabilities that I run with Bestest Bud each year. This year there is a new form. 

I just got to the stage where I am asked my marital status. Am I....

• Single
• Married
• Divorced
• Widowed?

I would like a fifth option. "None of your business" or "What does it matter?" Really. 

It's not in the 'Next of Kin' question. 

I'm not answering it. I am annoyed by it. Bad attitude perhaps but I really don't see any need. Unless someone can tell me a really excellent reason why the overseeing denomination needs to know the marital status of the leaders of the various camps they run 'Whoops' my box will remain a mystery.



Ok - perhaps a "I'd prefer not to comment" option might work. Yep. Really. Really. Bad stinking attitude. I get it. I just can't work out why it's relevant. Being tired doesn't help. 

I'll adopt a Scarlett O'Hara attitude now and think about this tomorrow ;)

xMiss365