-240 Done with online dating.

Sorry it's been a while between posts. Potential Bachelor #5 and I were getting to know each other for a couple of weeks with voice emails and the like & one long Skype chat. 

And then that was it. 

Over a week and a half and nothing. 

I sent him a bright, cheery, short but not dismissive email about a week ago - just to remind him I'm still alive I guess and still no reply. 

I haven't seen him on Skype since so he's either not on, he's blocked me or he set up some other account that he hasn't logged onto again.

What I don't like about this online stuff is the ability to just avoid and never know why the other person lost interest in getting to know you. I've learned over the years that it most likely has nothing to do with me. He could have found interest with someone closer to home or some big family thing happened or he could have lost all fingers in a harvester accident....

Lol. 

Whatever.

And I do mean that "Whatever" with a shrug of my shoulders. 

But it would be nice to know sometimes. 

So Hurrah. My last online dating membership runs out in a couple of days so after much prayer I'm fairly certain that I need to let this go for a while. I think in some ways I'm trying to "control" God by persistently doing the online stuff. I know I need to just let it go and get on with doing other things. Like losing some more weight and being more than ok with being on my own again not just mostly. 

I've also realised that by participating in online dating I was using it as a safety net of sorts to not trust that I can attract men in real life. Crazy hey? 

So yes. Potential Bachelor #5 is done for reasons I cannot fathom. I don't think I'm that scary. Actually I know I'm not. 

On to the rest of the year getting fit and healthy again and seeing what God does for me with friendships and more in real life. Maybe nothing. But at least I won't be waiting by the inbox anymore. 

Worse than the days of waiting by the phone. ;)

xMiss365

-251 A Bachelor Update

Yep. I realise it's been a while.

And there is a reason for that.

I have no news.

Nup.

None.

Bachelor 4 turned out to be barely interested. We are facebook "friends" but despite several opportunities to meet me in person he hasn't chosen to buy tickets to gigs in my state. So we comment on various things on each other's pages every now and then but that's about it.

Next.

Well there is no next.

I'm taking a hiatus from the "mess with my self esteem" that is online dating. Every now and then I'll get a little bored and check in but until I can completely get my outside matching my personality I'm going to continue attracting the wrong kind of guys. And not attracting the kind of guys that I am attracted to.

Well that's how I feel today anyway. I could be back logging in again next week but it's just been a massive waste of time so far.

So that's the Bachelor Update. *sigh*

Either you are nodding your head along with me totally getting where I am at or you are feeling much better about your own pursuits. Well done you if it's the latter.

Still praying for those on The Faith Files anyone else want their name on this list for specific, daily prayer? Anyone got anything good to share or update? :)

xMiss365

-294 How do you stop looking? ( Wednesday 23rd February, 2011 )

Photo by Tungphoto

Driving home this afternoon I was listening to an interview on the radio where an radio host was interviewing Danni Minogue and the conversation turned to dating and the host's lack there of a year ago. The host thanked Danni for  giving her what she considered the best advice ever the year previously in regards to her love life. Apparently Danni had looked so content in her relationship that the host just had to know what the secret was to finding contentment like that and so of course Danni told her to....

Just Stop Looking

Of course. Why didn't I think of that?! ;)

Do you know how many times I have genuinely tried to have a full and happy life and not think, pray, daydream or even dream about being in relationship, meeting someone or even having a decent member of the opposite sex interested in me?! It's boring, really hard and exhausting at the same time. 

But as I kept battling on through the peak hour traffic home I continued to think about this. Although it's easier said than done ( and this is hard to admit ) I maaaayyyyyy be getting a lot more used to the idea that I might not get married and may never have kids of my own and perhaps I am closer to the point where I'm not actually actively looking as much any more. And as the clock is running down ( as in the biological clock ) shouldn't I be upping the the looking and the doing rather than pulling back ? 

I'm not sure if this acceptance is just another thing to hide behind just in case I get rejected or that there isn't actually anyone out there who would find me amazing enough for him to want to spend his life with or if it's because through in part writing this blog and working out some other stuff in my life I am realising that I like my freedom now a little too much. What I don't like is not having many people to utilise that freedom with but give it a few years and their kids will be older and hopefully more fun and socialising can be had again. It's not a fun thing to ponder while tired and knowing full well that I have a really busy day at work tomorrow so I'm going to leave this there but other than slowly getting to know Bachelor #4 I am just not looking for anyone. 

How do you know the difference between 'can't be bothered anymore' and 'just not looking' ? 

xMiss365

-297 Finding My Inner Cheerleader ( or in my case up myself dancer ) ( Saturday 20th February, 2011 )

Photo by Salvatore Vuono

Last Saturday night I spontaneously ended up having coffee with The Non Bachelor at his place and after hearing about his dating woes ( oh my! The drama! ) we got onto the subject of online dating and my own frustration with it.

And I never thought I would think this, let alone write this on a blog or acknowledge this in any way ever ( are you hearing my astonishment here?! ) he was the most helpful out of any of my real life friends have been so far. Not that the people that I have spoken to haven't been helpful it was just that he was able to not only give me advice based on being both a guy and someone that knew me before I lost that spark that attracted the male species ( more on that in a sec ).

At one point in the early hours of Sunday morning ( biggest coffee ever was required to get up for Church a few hours later ) he went upstairs and came back down with a pile of photos of me, both of us and even photos of my family that he had ended up with when we had broken up. It brought up a whole range of emotions looking at those photos and seeing how confident and downright cute I actually was when I was younger. 


I picked up a dating book a few weeks ago from a bargain bin and the bits I've read have been kinda helpful. And while a lot of it doesn't apply to my life and I won't apply to my life it doesn't have that "Christian sugar sweet just trust God to write your love story" that seems to be the theme of Christian dating or single books. Don't get me wrong Christian books have their place but I'm at the stage in my life where I trust God but I need practical tips and ideas. Again I digress.....


So one of the first bits that jumped out of this book when I read this chapter a few weeks ago was about in effect 'Finding Your Inner Cheerleader'. Not that the authors were actually saying that you have to be like a cheerleader ( thank goodness! ) but it was more about liking yourself and pinpointing when you were at your best and why you were at your best.


Well looking at these photos I realised when I was at my best and why I was at my best then. Unfortunately it was before I was a Christian and it shouldn't be that way but through circumstances and how I let those events shape my life I lost my spark. 


So after giving me some excellent, specific advice on what may be going on in Bachelor #4's brain ( without going into details - that would be far too weird ) I went home feeling like real progress had been made both in understanding the world of dating and reconnecting with my inner Cheerleader aka Up Myself Dancer - lol.


xMiss365

-329 Christmas Wrap up

Image by Filomena Scalise

Well it's taken me a few days to get to this post but I'm finally all rested up and feeling like myself again and ready to blog!

So I hosted Christmas Eve this year at my place and for the days leading up to it I scrubbed and cleaned and generally battled my perfectionism streak. It was the first time I've had Christmas Eve with my immediate family Devoted Dad, Marvelous Mum, Rock on Bro and His Better Half so I wanted it to be special. It was hard to navigate around some of the initial tension and awkwardness at first but later in the night when the Wii came out things loosened up and the night became fun. Marvelous Mum made sure we said grace before we ate ( the others don't go to Church ) and I think that was established as a tradition too. Which is one that I love. 

Christmas Day after Church the first wave of the migraines hit and instead of going to my Grandmother's for lunch briefly ( after speaking to Devoted Dad about it -340 Christmas Day Singledom , I decided that I should go for a bit ) I ended up sleeping for about 6 hours instead. So I then went to my cousin's house for dinner and had a nice afternoon/evening with her and the family ( gosh her kids are gorgeous ) and came home. 

Since then I've been battling migraines on and off and sleeping a lot. Which is fine because I'm on holidays and have no plans the next few days so while it's not ideal it's not inconvinent. 


I was talking to another single girl after Church on Sunday about her recent experience with a guy she had met online and I realised how much I've learned about online dating during the last however many years I've been attempting this thing on and off. She's at the stage where almost any guy will do and if they start the sex conversations ( i.e how far have you gone, how far will you go before marriage ) on the first date or even the first chat she might be uncomfortable but she will answer their questions. Or if they only have trial memberships or want her to communicate outside the dating site within days of communicating then she is ok with that too. Or if they haven't been to Church in a while or are a completely different denomination she is open to meeting them. 

Actually I am ok with that last one as she seems to manage to get them to visit our Church a lot so it's not a bad thing......;)


I started to wonder if I'm a bit too picky and have too many "rules" so I've thought about some of my "rules" that I've never sat down and specifically made up but over time through experience have come up with.

So some of my rules ( off the top of my head are )

• I don't get into the sex conversations and I am put off if it comes up. That kind of discussion shouldn't need to come up until you are in an actual relationship with that person.
• Him trying to share of his sexual past is a waving of a red flag in front of my face. It tells me that he is either still in that place or wants to be. Next or slow right down. 
• If he wants to communicate outside the site within the first few chats it tells me that he's not willing to pay for membership and therefore really isn't serious about finding someone. I know it's not cheap to do online dating long term but it's not going to break the budget either. Cut back on pizza for a few weeks. ;)
• Compliment me on my appearance and that is all you do screams scammer to me. I am very very careful.
• I don't give out my last name for ages and I don't add them to facebook unless I think that they will be on facebook as a friend (or more) for a while. And they get limited access. Have to protect my friend's privacy as much as my own. 
• If we don't have a decent chat about God or faith in the first few conversations then I'll try and initate one. If it doesn't become clear he has a relationship with God then I will ask but I'll become less interested. Usually by then he has become a lot less interested in me. I wonder why?! Lol.

I think that on reflection I might be a bit too limiting in my ideas on denomination or Church attendance without knowing their particular unique story but as for the rest I think my ideas are weeding out the non serious or the ones that are mostly looking for a quick hook up rather than a potential relationship. 

And since things seem to be going quite well with Bachelor #4 so far I am inclined to keep to my "rules". We are now emailing and building a good, solid friendship I think. Slow and steady. But you can never tell with these things. We shall see. :)

xMiss365

-333 Un.....

Well it turns out that for the past two days I wasn't mailblocked at all by Bachelor #4. 

So I'll explain what led up to my blog post last night. 

Bachelor #4 and I have been exchanging emails for almost a fortnight via an in house system on The Dating Site That Shall Not Be Named. The night of my Hope post I sent an email to him and then on the morning of my LOST post I had an email in the system from him ( he replied after I had gone to bed ) but I couldn't access it for some reason. Additionally all the emails from my inbox and sent messages file between us had disappeared. Now this is supposed to occur when you mailblock someone. *sigh*. Perhaps he had just been a bit too enthusiastic with clearing out his mail so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and I wasn't going to jump to any conclusions or get upset. Go me ! 



I had added him as a favourite so I was able to see on the night of my LOST post that he was online but he did not appear anywhere on the site. So perhaps I was mailblocked after all. *sigh* So I went to bed. The next morning I thought about just deleting him as a Favourite and being done with it but a gentle nudge from God prompted me to write a final email to him since I had access to his profile via the Favourite page ( this is something I would not have had if I had deleted him ).  So I just sent a quick "Hey, couldn't read your last message, but I suspect it may have been a 'best of luck with your search kind of one', I know you've mailblocked me but because I've added you as a favourite I can send you a mail, I'll delete you etc, I've enjoyed our chats, will be praying that God guides your steps as you continue your search etc...." 

Deleted him off my iphone & ipad apps as a Favourite but didn't quite get to the full profile. Had my day, wrote my post last night after *sighing* a lot ( I just didn't get it am I that scary?!) and went to bed after having a bit of a chat to God to help me because I just don't understand this online thing. 


Woke up this morning to the sound of both my ipad and iphone making email notification noises. Turns out I had mail at The Dating Site That Shall Not Be Named. A fair amount of mail. From the one member. Bachelor #4. 


Turns out he didn't block me. It was a weird glitch in the system. He tried sending the original message a few times to try and make it work. Even logged on in the morning before work. :) 


So I think I can safely say that Bachelor #4 and I are moving forward. And I've given him an email address outside the system just in case it ever happens again ;)

I think I'm also proud of the way I handled it too. A while ago I would have been really sad because he didn't like me and my ego would have been crushed to the point where I would have put more hope into the situation that it really deserves at this point in time. This time I was really more hurt and confused by the being mailblocked part - how on earth could I have gotten it so wrong? How?! But I didn't cry, not one tear was shed because I didn't pin any silly dreams on the potential of someone I barely even know. I am proud of how far I have come. :)


xMiss365

-335 Bachelor #4 No more

I am so sick of Internet dating. One "wrong" word or phrase and mailblocked. Seriously. 

I have no idea what I am doing wrong. This one seemed normal. 

Surely it shouldn't be this hard. I don't even meet anyone interesting anymore. So I resort to the stupidity that is online Christian internet 'dating'. Which is obviously something I am not good at. 

This is going to turn into the most whiny post ever if I keep going - so I won't but in the words of those mighty poetic ( lol )  lyrisists NSync...

"Bye bye bye"

xMiss365

-345 Bachelor Update #2

It's been a while so I thought I'd give you a Bachelor Update. Be prepared....

..for a short post ;)

Bachelor #1 - Has deleted his online profile and I presume has blocked me on MSN. Meh. Next.

Bachelor #2 - Wasn't really a Bachelor in my view and because of him being full on due to the way he is wired ( fearfully and wonderfully made but just with the full on social switch up to +20 ) I have to limit our online contact. So at the moment he is more like a Bachelor in training for some other fabulous chickie. :)


Bachelor #3 - Dropped off the radar and I haven't heard from him since his suggestion that we meet up when he got back to Sydney. Next. :)

Bachelor #4 - We have only just started emailing. Lives in another state. We have music, travel and an honest assessment of our faith in common so far. I am impressed because he has literally been to Hell. (Yes, follow the link but in a new tab so you can keep reading! ) 

So that's the update. I find online 'dating' difficult because it is so easy to make assumptions about people based on their photo or how cleverly they sell ( or don't ) themselves in their profile and it's easier for some to click on that red x button at the top of the screen when miscommunication occurs instead of asking and clarifying. It brings out the online shopper mentality I think. I struggle with it. But that said, it gives me hope that there are single, Christian men out there that may be interested in getting to know me and whether or not it is the way I meet Mr365 it gives me hope and something to do on a Friday and Saturday home alone night ;)

xMiss365

-363 No rose for me

Photo Pixomar

Farewell Bachelor #1.  And there goes 2 months of my life. But it was fun. For a while. And then....

...well it wasn't sad or horrible. It didn't feel like a break up. And you gave me an opportunity to practice a skill don't extend often enough. But *sigh* all the same because for at least for the first month of us chatting and emailing every day, despite me being on my guard with my personal information and yes perhaps in retrospect just a little too guarded - but who can tell when you are just words on a screen and a photo ( and not even a proper face view photo - but that's another issue altogether  ) despite myself I shared with my friends the fact I was talking with you. And that it brought a smile to my face.

But then your emails became short and lacking in the question mark department. I knew that your studies were taking up a lot of your time so I made allowances for you. However, it then became quite obvious that your interest in getting to know me had decreased dramatically and I ( being the single gal that I am ) quickly looked through the saved messages and chats to look for a sign or a reason and found none.

I had been laid down in green pastures ( Psalm 23 ) recently and God had been teaching me in amongst the resting to speak up when I am not sure why someone has pulled away or changed the status of a friendship or relationship.

Let's pause a minute.

He wants me to what?!!! Ask him why the communication has slowed down ? Essentially to encourage him to reject me ? To change the status quo ? ( Ok, to be out of denial that things had changed?! ) Gah!

So Bachelor #1 you got my carefully worded email. And then you Instant messaged me as I was writing it which made me rush the ending somewhat. I thought ( silly me ! ) that we would continue IMing and maybe discuss it a bit ( eeek! ) but you then disappeared. Not just mid conversation but for a week. My email wasn't that confronting was it?!

Apparently it was ( to you anyway - not to the couple of people I showed in panic, remember I don't do this kind of stuff so I have no idea how to ask someone why they have slowed down the emailing and if they are still interested in continuing ) because you changed your profile on the website where we first 'met'. It appears you took my wondering if you still were interested and letting you know if you "meet" someone else you want to get to know better don't be to weirded out to let me know as someone who doesn't trust her man, or trust God or His plan and wisdom etc. 

Oh dear.

Ok, so I gave it just on a week for you to reply to my email. Or my offline IM. Still nothing. Really? And hey, now I have my out.

 

But God started to gently poke me again so I wrote another carefully worded email asking for a reply, explaining that while I will respond to other requests for chats and emails from other Bachelors I am the type of person who only likes to persue one potential interest at a time etc. And...send. :)

So thank you for your reply Bachelor #1 I am happy to chat to you to but I discovered after our IM last night (after you replied to my email that you weren't really interested in getting to know me any further ) that my interest in getting to know you has decreased dramatically now that I know you aren't interested in getting to know me. I have no idea why you initiated the chat in the first place tonight (guilt perhaps?) but I sincerely thank you for providing me with the opportunity to be a little direct when there the opportunity for rejection.

So Bachelor #2 hurry up and get over your jet lag and contact me so we can have that coffee and Bachelor #3 I am going to have to work out a whole new plan of how to get to know you as we have to work around your 'label'  but you are right - you are worth getting to know ;)

xxxMiss365