A (somewhat) honest look at what it's like to be a single, Christian woman in her mid 30s in Sydney who wants to remain true to the life that God has planned for her but doesn't want to let go of her dream of being in a relationship again and eventually being a wife and mother

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

-244 Isaiah 54

It's been a Ninja with Migraine Sticks sleepy 48hours
I've been reminded lately that God showed me this part of Isaiah not long after The Non Bachelor and I broke up.

I just wanted to share it with you tonight because the Ninja's with their migraine sticks made me sleep all day today and I'm about to head to bed hopefully not going to wake up too fragile tomorrow.

Anyway, will contemplate with you in a couple of days.


1 “Sing, barren woman, 
   you who never bore a child; 
burst into song, shout for joy, 
   you who were never in labor; 
because more are the children of the desolate woman 
   than of her who has a husband,” 
            says the LORD. 
2 “Enlarge the place of your tent, 
   stretch your tent curtains wide, 
   do not hold back; 
lengthen your cords, 
   strengthen your stakes. 
3 For you will spread out to the right and to the left; 
   your descendants will dispossess nations 
   and settle in their desolate cities.
 4 “Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.
   Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
   and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
5 For your Maker is your husband—
   the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
   he is called the God of all the earth.
6 The LORD will call you back
   as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
   only to be rejected,” says your God.
7 “For a brief moment I abandoned you,
   but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
8 In a surge of anger
   I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
   I will have compassion on you,”
   says the LORD your Redeemer.

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

-247 A tale of a leaky coffee, a white tshirt and a ridiculously good looking guy

Image by Digitalart
So yesterday I drove up the coast to hang out with Crazy Med Student, The Blue Smurf & Hilariously Grumpy Faced Baby for the day. Randomly wanted to get out of Sydney and to just socialise.

Here's what you need to know about my day yesterday ( other than the fact it was nice, I was perhaps a little whiny about being single and feeling a little lonely and lost at the moment, lunch was tasty from the very trendy little cafe they took me to, and Hilariously Grumpy Faced Baby is only slightly grumpy faced now is still very cute ).

* I wore a white t-shirt ( which was dumb and I knew it )
* I spilled coffee on it about 30 minutes into the trip.
* And again at about 45 minutes in
* And for a third time soon after I spilled a lot. *sigh*
* About a half hour before I left a friend of theirs from Church comes over ( they had a Bible study night ) and I open the door to a ridiculously good looking guy.
* I am covered in coffee, make up free, not looking my best. *sigh*
* He was nice. He asked questions.
* I'm not sure of the impression I left ( other than I have no hand to mouth control ) - lol
* And I am somewhat annoyed at Crazy Med Student for not warning me that he was cute. I had make up in my bag!


I'm not sure if he is single. And I don't think he asked about me otherwise I would have heard from Crazy Med Student by now.

But as I was driving home I realised how much work I have to do in terms of working through my "I don't deserve" and "Don't want to make a fool of myself" inner voices.

You see I could tell my friend that this Random Cute Guy at the Door was very cute and to let him know that I thought he was cute. But....

I don't want the humiliation of rejection. I'm still overweight. I'm older etc etc etc.

And I know that this attitude is not going to get me anywhere. I just can't seem to shake it.

What to do ? What to do? I prayed a lot on the way home last night. I really dislike this feeling that my outside feels so worthless that I can't even tell my friend that I thought this guy was cute?


EDIT : Wednesday night I sent Crazy Med Student a Facebook message commenting on something that was happening for her today and then ended with a PS Telling her that next time she wanted me to open the door to a good looking guy like that ( single, married or otherwise ) please give me fair warning to cover up any evidence of my poor hand to mouth control and to put some spack filler in my wrinkles. A gal has her pride. :P

Phew. Done. Told her I thought he was cute without losing face. Done. Thanks God. :)

Thursday, 7 July 2011

-248 A sad week

Image from Healingdream
I've started the first sentence for this post about five or so times and just don't know how to start this post today.

I'm just sad.

On Monday afternoon Marvelous Mum called me to tell me that my 87 year old Grandmother ( Dependable Dad's mum ) had been found by his youngest sister at her home and had possibly had a stroke. She had been taken to a local hospital and wasn't likely that she would make it.

I got down to the hospital and got to see her briefly but still having a respiratory tract infection I didn't want to stay too long. I did get to hold her hand and quietly say a prayer for her in my head. She's never expressed much of a connection with God and despite converting to Catholicism when she married my Grandpop wasn't a Church goer. But I have faith and my prayers would be heard. So I told her that I was there and to rest.

I hung out in a small room with Marvelous Mum, Dependable Dad and three of my five Aunties ( the other two were rapidly in transit  from far flung places in Australia ).

Before we left that night the Hospital had moved her out of Emergency and into a Ward. She had rattled the bars of her bed, asked to be taken to the loo, a drink and for the tube to be taken out of her mouth. Heard her other two daughter's voices on the phone and was visited by a number of her Grandchildren, many of whom I bumped into either coming in our out of elevators or entry doors. The Hospital nurses must've wondered how many were in our family and if we were a cult or something. ;)

I tried to encourage Dependable Dad to stay for a while but he had hope that she was going to pull through although he did know that she probably wouldn't go home again and left very sad about that.

This is the part that is hard.

The next morning at about 7.30am I was woken by a very sad Marvelous Mum telling me that my Nanny had died, mid talking to a Nurse and that Dependable Dad was Devastated Dad. :'(

So it's been such a sad sad week.

And I'm learning a lot about my Nanny as well. Things I never knew about her.

I loved that I was born on her birthday. And even though I shared the privilege of being her grandchild with 20 others I am proud to be part of the legacy she left.

I wish in a lot of ways I could reveal who I am so I could share with you the online memorial link so you could read all the wonderful stories my cousins, Aunties & Uncles and cousins kids  have written about her.

Dependable Dad was telling me today how much he is taking comfort in everyone's memories and finding strength in that.

So the funeral is tomorrow and Rock On Bro & His Better Half 's Engagement Party is on Sunday.

A weekend of contrasts. But a weekend for family.


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