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Here's what you need to know about my day yesterday ( other than the fact it was nice, I was perhaps a little whiny about being single and feeling a little lonely and lost at the moment, lunch was tasty from the very trendy little cafe they took me to, and Hilariously Grumpy Faced Baby is only slightly grumpy faced now is still very cute ).
* I wore a white t-shirt ( which was dumb and I knew it )
* I spilled coffee on it about 30 minutes into the trip.
* And again at about 45 minutes in
* And for a third time soon after I spilled a lot. *sigh*
* About a half hour before I left a friend of theirs from Church comes over ( they had a Bible study night ) and I open the door to a ridiculously good looking guy.
* I am covered in coffee, make up free, not looking my best. *sigh*
* He was nice. He asked questions.
* I'm not sure of the impression I left ( other than I have no hand to mouth control ) - lol
* And I am somewhat annoyed at Crazy Med Student for not warning me that he was cute. I had make up in my bag!
*sigh*
I'm not sure if he is single. And I don't think he asked about me otherwise I would have heard from Crazy Med Student by now.
But as I was driving home I realised how much work I have to do in terms of working through my "I don't deserve" and "Don't want to make a fool of myself" inner voices.
You see I could tell my friend that this Random Cute Guy at the Door was very cute and to let him know that I thought he was cute. But....
I don't want the humiliation of rejection. I'm still overweight. I'm older etc etc etc.
And I know that this attitude is not going to get me anywhere. I just can't seem to shake it.
What to do ? What to do? I prayed a lot on the way home last night. I really dislike this feeling that my outside feels so worthless that I can't even tell my friend that I thought this guy was cute?
*sigh*
EDIT : Wednesday night I sent Crazy Med Student a Facebook message commenting on something that was happening for her today and then ended with a PS Telling her that next time she wanted me to open the door to a good looking guy like that ( single, married or otherwise ) please give me fair warning to cover up any evidence of my poor hand to mouth control and to put some spack filler in my wrinkles. A gal has her pride. :P
Phew. Done. Told her I thought he was cute without losing face. Done. Thanks God. :)
As I read this entry I felt my heart completely cry out for you. I know what this feels like. I get so tired of meeting someone who is attractive only to think, "What's the point? Look at me... no one would ever be interested." These seem to be the voices that bog us down the most, and while we can't look for our affirmation in others, sometimes it would be nice to have someone around to affirm a positive view of ourselves (someone besides family and close friends). I will continue praying for you, and for this in specific. God made you beautiful and unique, not someone to be ashamed of. I will pray that He will not just reveal this to you, but will make it real to you, so that you can carry yourself with the confidence you deserve to have.
ReplyDeleteChronicler gave a good comment.
ReplyDeleteI'm in the same boat as you. I don't have enough confidence to tell friends what I think about guys, out of fear of rejection. Sigh. I'm TRYING to realize that I'll NEVER look like a model, act like a lady, or any of that other junk, and just try and come to terms with who I really am. It sucks, I know. But we'll make it through. :)
We all have these voices. Including we who are married (yes I still wonder why my hubby says I'm beautiful). But....I have discovered a blog (deep into love) and Craig is currently doing a series on the Voices we all listen to. Very interesting, and most of the voices we hear are negative. Anyways, he's up to 'corralling' the voices (like horses). You might find it helpful. I do.
ReplyDeleteAlso, wear shirts with patterns - you don't notice the coffee so much then! (Kinda like why new mums shouldn't wear plain colors). :)
Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving such a super sweet comment! Those inner voices are the enemy. I battled a really mean one for a long time. The very second I decided to stop listening to my nasty inner voice, and accept myself exactly as I am, love myself, be confident and simply me, is the day I met my boyfriend. Truly love yourself inside and out first (I know, easier said than done), but when that happens love will fall directly into your lap!
ReplyDeleteAnd this is precisely why I want to have my lipstick color permanently tattooed onto my lips... so that I can always "have my face on."
ReplyDeleteSeriously, isn't this post the worldwide lament of all females? I think I've just gotten to the point where I feel if a guy thinks I'm awesome, great. If he doesn't, oh well, his lost. I think there's a part of me that has gotten so use to rejection that it's almost numb. Now when I encounter men I have (practically) no expectations. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but I'll continue to pray that God strengthens both of us.
@Chronicler - The words "Thank you" just don't seem to cut it when it comes to what I am feeling when I read ( and reading again ) your comment and offer to pray for me. Particularly in this area. No words....just big heartfelt thanks.
ReplyDelete@ Shannon - I've read your blog, I've watched you Karaoke ( and I really dislike Karaoke! - lol ) and you are pretty and so incredibly funny and smart. Maybe we all have to start telling our friends when we think guys are amazing. Otherwise we may be missing out on someone amazing. ;)
@ Michelle - Oh that blog is amazing! I've had this thing with negative voices and post it notes previously and to connect with it in another blog like this. Perfect timing. :) And I love your comments, I know in my head that we all have the voices....but yes. And I think I have only 2 white shirts in my wardrobe for this very reason. ;)
@ Lindsey - As I said on your blog, you guys give me hope that people do amazing things for love. I just have to be brave. And thanks for sharing that you've battled 'the voices' too.
@ Ms Blase - I am too ADD for one color lippy ;) Each to their own. Lol. Numb. I'm fine with that "Oh well" feeling with online dating, but when it comes to admitting to my friends that someone is amazing. Well, I don't want to be shot down in front of an audience. Stupid ego/fear. And thank you for your prayers.
I love our community. :)