A (somewhat) honest look at what it's like to be a single, Christian woman in her mid 30s in Sydney who wants to remain true to the life that God has planned for her but doesn't want to let go of her dream of being in a relationship again and eventually being a wife and mother

Thursday, 30 December 2010

-327 Keep calm and carry on

Photo by Miss365
Yes there is a 'Keep calm and carry on' poster here at the holiday house I am staying at with my friends. I think I actually have to remember that this week because already I have had to take a few deep breaths when my understanding of certain situations where different to what I thought they were.

I think one of the harder things about being single is that you value your friendships in a different way than when you are in a relationship, whether that be a long term partner or married. The priorities are different and I don't know for sure but perhaps the need to hang out with your friends isn't as strong. Maybe it's because I am battling loneliness and they perhaps at this point in time are not.

I think I am expecting too much of them to be like I am, to be excited to be spending time together and to not be rushing off to the next thing. Maybe I am just living too much in the past when we used to get together and spend hours just laughing and giggling.

Tonight was fun though. And I' m looking forward to the days where all of us will be here together and I'm going to make the most of the time we have :) Sorry to sound whiny. :s

Maybe I'm just overtired tonight ;)


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad ( please don't envy me ) :P

Wednesday, 29 December 2010

-328 Packing my suitcase

Photo by Suzie B
It was about ten years ago - within the year 2000 that God introduced us to each other and ten years on we celebrate our fabulous friendship by going away on another holiday together - albeit this one is more laid back and closer to home. 

The four of us ( myself, Bestest Bud, Crazy Med Student & The Princess ) met because of Hong Kong but not all in Hong Kong. Some in Singapore, others in Sydney but yes all because God decided that however strange it may have seemed on the the surface to link the four of us together He knew what he was doing. 

I'm so blessed to have these women/chicks/girls in my life. Our friendship is timeless and lifelong. We can go weeks without talking although Skype and Facebook have helped us communicate a lot better these days it has only strengthened the bond between us. We have other friends but these three are the ones that I go to when I need a shoulder to cry on, a kick up the butt, a push off the crazy train, to share exciting news first to and to ask for prayer when I need it. 

It's the type of friendship that people write books and movies about. And I value it fiercely. It's been wonderful ( and amusing )  watching them fall in love and see how God has brought the perfect man for them into their lives and watch their unique love story unfold. I can honestly say I haven't felt jealous or resentful once for what each of them have. What I have felt though is that pang of 'When is it my turn God?' at each engagement and pregnancy particularly since two of them are much younger than I am. 'Times a wastin' God!' :P

But I never expected to have this type of friendship after The Real Ex and I broke up. This kind of supportive, non competitive, non judgemental, non jealous friendship was foreign to me and the opposite of what I was used to with female friends. There have been so many things that God has shown and blessed me with since he and I broke up all those years ago that I wouldn't trade for just any relationship. Which may explain why I haven't been in one for over a decade. I'm waiting for the right one. You see if God can give me amazing, wonderful friendships with these women/girls/chicks where I am cared about, supported, prayed for, accepted and dare I say it.....loved. Then how amazing will the right man that God is patiently waiting to introduce me to be?

I just have to wait on Him. 

And I will. 

And I'll just pack my suitcase tonight while I'm waiting ;)

Shall be blogging from the verandah from a lakehouse tomorrow !


Tuesday, 28 December 2010

-329 Christmas Wrap up

Image by Filomena Scalise
Well it's taken me a few days to get to this post but I'm finally all rested up and feeling like myself again and ready to blog!

So I hosted Christmas Eve this year at my place and for the days leading up to it I scrubbed and cleaned and generally battled my perfectionism streak. It was the first time I've had Christmas Eve with my immediate family Devoted Dad, Marvelous Mum, Rock on Bro and His Better Half so I wanted it to be special. It was hard to navigate around some of the initial tension and awkwardness at first but later in the night when the Wii came out things loosened up and the night became fun. Marvelous Mum made sure we said grace before we ate ( the others don't go to Church ) and I think that was established as a tradition too. Which is one that I love. 

Christmas Day after Church the first wave of the migraines hit and instead of going to my Grandmother's for lunch briefly ( after speaking to Devoted Dad about it -340 Christmas Day Singledom , I decided that I should go for a bit ) I ended up sleeping for about 6 hours instead. So I then went to my cousin's house for dinner and had a nice afternoon/evening with her and the family ( gosh her kids are gorgeous ) and came home. 

Since then I've been battling migraines on and off and sleeping a lot. Which is fine because I'm on holidays and have no plans the next few days so while it's not ideal it's not inconvinent. 

I was talking to another single girl after Church on Sunday about her recent experience with a guy she had met online and I realised how much I've learned about online dating during the last however many years I've been attempting this thing on and off. She's at the stage where almost any guy will do and if they start the sex conversations ( i.e how far have you gone, how far will you go before marriage ) on the first date or even the first chat she might be uncomfortable but she will answer their questions. Or if they only have trial memberships or want her to communicate outside the dating site within days of communicating then she is ok with that too. Or if they haven't been to Church in a while or are a completely different denomination she is open to meeting them. 

Actually I am ok with that last one as she seems to manage to get them to visit our Church a lot so it's not a bad thing......;)

I started to wonder if I'm a bit too picky and have too many "rules" so I've thought about some of my "rules" that I've never sat down and specifically made up but over time through experience have come up with.

So some of my rules ( off the top of my head are )
  • I don't get into the sex conversations and I am put off if it comes up. That kind of discussion shouldn't need to come up until you are in an actual relationship with that person.
  • Him trying to share of his sexual past is a waving of a red flag in front of my face. It tells me that he is either still in that place or wants to be. Next or slow right down. 
  • If he wants to communicate outside the site within the first few chats it tells me that he's not willing to pay for membership and therefore really isn't serious about finding someone. I know it's not cheap to do online dating long term but it's not going to break the budget either. Cut back on pizza for a few weeks. ;)
  • Compliment me on my appearance and that is all you do screams scammer to me. I am very very careful.
  • I don't give out my last name for ages and I don't add them to facebook unless I think that they will be on facebook as a friend (or more) for a while. And they get limited access. Have to protect my friend's privacy as much as my own. 
  • If we don't have a decent chat about God or faith in the first few conversations then I'll try and initate one. If it doesn't become clear he has a relationship with God then I will ask but I'll become less interested. Usually by then he has become a lot less interested in me. I wonder why?! Lol.

I think that on reflection I might be a bit too limiting in my ideas on denomination or Church attendance without knowing their particular unique story but as for the rest I think my ideas are weeding out the non serious or the ones that are mostly looking for a quick hook up rather than a potential relationship. 

And since things seem to be going quite well with Bachelor #4 so far I am inclined to keep to my "rules". We are now emailing and building a good, solid friendship I think. Slow and steady. But you can never tell with these things. We shall see. :)


-330 Migraines

Sorry won't be a post today. Migraine has hit me hard and will be back in bed in a minute. Shall catch up on -329.


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Saturday, 25 December 2010

-332 & -331 Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you had a lovely day and got a moment or two to look around you and see the glitter scattered blessings around you today. 

A friend of mine spoke today in Church about the symbolism behind the Candy Cane and even though there can be many ways to see symbolism in everyday objects, I like the simplicity of this one. 

It's almost midnight here in Sydney and I have to get to bed. Have Church again tomorrow morning so no snoozing in for me ;)

Merry Christmas - mwah !


Friday, 24 December 2010

-332 Single chick exhausted

I am so tired I can barely see or type straight. Despite being sick foe the better part of the year and only getting by with housework I volunteered to host Christmas Eve at my place this year. What the heck was I thinking?! Lol.

So I have been cleaning and scrubbing the past couple of days ( should have started earlier ) but I've been decluttering the past few months too which always leaves you in a bigger mess than when you start until you are done. Well I was no where near done. Big problem.

I'm battling my thread of perfectionism and shame again tonight and have thought of asking Mum to host it instead but I've done a lot and it will get done. I may be asleep by the time they get here though - lol ;)

See you on Christmas eve for a nice early post :)


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Wednesday, 22 December 2010

-333 Un.....

Well it turns out that for the past two days I wasn't mailblocked at all by Bachelor #4. 

So I'll explain what led up to my blog post last night. 

Bachelor #4 and I have been exchanging emails for almost a fortnight via an in house system on The Dating Site That Shall Not Be Named. The night of my Hope post I sent an email to him and then on the morning of my LOST post I had an email in the system from him ( he replied after I had gone to bed ) but I couldn't access it for some reason. Additionally all the emails from my inbox and sent messages file between us had disappeared. Now this is supposed to occur when you mailblock someone. *sigh*. Perhaps he had just been a bit too enthusiastic with clearing out his mail so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and I wasn't going to jump to any conclusions or get upset. Go me ! 

I had added him as a favourite so I was able to see on the night of my LOST post that he was online but he did not appear anywhere on the site. So perhaps I was mailblocked after all. *sigh* So I went to bed. The next morning I thought about just deleting him as a Favourite and being done with it but a gentle nudge from God prompted me to write a final email to him since I had access to his profile via the Favourite page ( this is something I would not have had if I had deleted him ).  So I just sent a quick "Hey, couldn't read your last message, but I suspect it may have been a 'best of luck with your search kind of one', I know you've mailblocked me but because I've added you as a favourite I can send you a mail, I'll delete you etc, I've enjoyed our chats, will be praying that God guides your steps as you continue your search etc...." 

Deleted him off my iphone & ipad apps as a Favourite but didn't quite get to the full profile. Had my day, wrote my post last night after *sighing* a lot ( I just didn't get it am I that scary?!) and went to bed after having a bit of a chat to God to help me because I just don't understand this online thing. 

Woke up this morning to the sound of both my ipad and iphone making email notification noises. Turns out I had mail at The Dating Site That Shall Not Be Named. A fair amount of mail. From the one member. Bachelor #4. 

Turns out he didn't block me. It was a weird glitch in the system. He tried sending the original message a few times to try and make it work. Even logged on in the morning before work. :) 

So I think I can safely say that Bachelor #4 and I are moving forward. And I've given him an email address outside the system just in case it ever happens again ;)

I think I'm also proud of the way I handled it too. A while ago I would have been really sad because he didn't like me and my ego would have been crushed to the point where I would have put more hope into the situation that it really deserves at this point in time. This time I was really more hurt and confused by the being mailblocked part - how on earth could I have gotten it so wrong? How?! But I didn't cry, not one tear was shed because I didn't pin any silly dreams on the potential of someone I barely even know. I am proud of how far I have come. :)


Tuesday, 21 December 2010

-335 Bachelor #4 No more

I am so sick of Internet dating. One "wrong" word or phrase and mailblocked. Seriously. 

I have no idea what I am doing wrong. This one seemed normal. 

Surely it shouldn't be this hard. I don't even meet anyone interesting anymore. So I resort to the stupidity that is online Christian internet 'dating'. Which is obviously something I am not good at. 

This is going to turn into the most whiny post ever if I keep going - so I won't but in the words of those mighty poetic ( lol )  lyrisists NSync...

"Bye bye bye"


Monday, 20 December 2010

-336 LOST

Photo by Phil Thebault
Sorry can't talk tonight. It's the last time I get to do my watch the current season of LOST  Bonus Features & rewatch of LOST DVD on the first night of the Christmas holidays. Something I have done since I was 31.

*sob* LOST is no more. 

At least there is Fringe. But now that it's been moved to Friday night in the US I'm a tad concerned for its future. 

Ok. Off to get back to my hidden bonus features on the dvd.

xMiss365 aka Mrs James Ford ;)

Sunday, 19 December 2010

-337 Hope

Photo by Sharron Goodyear
I'm not going to give up hope that I'll get married. I'm not going to let discouragement define me or disappointment rule my view for the future. Sure my biological clock is clicking down more towards the end of it's peak time to have babies than at the beginning but God does have a plan for my life and I still have that desire to share my heart and my life with a man who loves me. So I choose to let hope define me. 

Many years ago I was praying and fasting and had a vision of a man putting a wedding ring on my finger. I was naive in the fact that at the time ( it was only maybe a year after The Real Ex and I had broken up and I was nagivating my first real post break up crush with The Guy I Used To DIG ) that I would be married soon ( HA! A decade later and my left hand is bare ! ) but every now and then I still feel how his hands felt in mine as he put that ring on my finger. Maybe it's just my active imagination but I am choosing to believe that it's God's way of reminding me from time to time not to give up hope. 

And I've considered the possibility that this may never come to pass, that I may never in reality in this world feel those hands in mine, carefully and lovingly slipping that ring onto my finger. Will I lose my faith in God? Will I turn my back on Him and pass up my salvation ? Will I choose to walk away from the calling He has on my life?

No. I would not. While I desire a husband and the children and family that comes with it (hopefully) it's not all that I desire in life. It's just a part of it. It doesn't define my relationship with my Creator, Saviour, Father, Redeemer. 

And while last night I reached the end of my ability to deal with the reality of being single at the age of 36 I didn't wrap my hope up in paper and throw it away with the rubbish this morning either. 


Saturday, 18 December 2010

-338 End of single rope found

I thought I'd found the end of my patience with being single before tonight. Sadly hit a new low tonight and although it wasn't prolonged or highly emotional I just have had enough.

Trying to explain to Devoted Dad why I didn't want to go to Christmas Day with a "single not married nay not even a boyfriend " invisible stamp on my forehead was more than I could deal with. I feel like Bridget Jones but without the Mark Darcy or a Daniel Cleaver or the great soundtrack ;)

I've been reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book "Committed" and there's this great observation in there about one of her single, unmarried friends who is giving and amazingly independent but still feels sad and unfullfilled because she hasn't been chosen by someone. That's pretty much how I feel in a way.

But I know I've been chosen by God ( but then there's a little voice inside my head that says my married friends have been too )

Anyway still not sure what to do about Christmas.....

On a brighter note Bachelor #4 is good value so far & I just made an interesting out of character for me suggestion - so will see how that goes ;)


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Friday, 17 December 2010

-339 Schools out for summer!

Photo by Elwood W. McKay III

I'm on holidays for 5 weeks ! The work situation can be  put behind me for a while and I can just be me and not worry or even think about work relationships for a while. Such a relief !

I can be me again !

Had a lovely afternoon at my cousin's house just chatting and celebrating her unexpected new job transfer and hanging out with her and her two gorgeous kids. We are only 2 1/2 years apart and growing up we were almost like sisters ( even though she has an older sister ) but over the years we've moved in different directions in life ( her married & kids, me single ). She's not a Christian but I remember years ago when she was going through a particularly tough time she asked if I would come over and pray for her and with her. I continually ask God for that seed to grow in her heart so that it can also do the same in her families life too. 

I'm going to make more of an effort to make the time to see her. We live within kilometres of each other but rarely see each other. There is no excuse on my part. I appreciate my friends and make an effort to see them so I am not going to take my family for granted either. 

I love spontaneous coffee catchup afternoons like today! And I came home with homegrown cherry tomatoes, a candy cane and a drawing of a Christmas tree from The Puff (she's 5) as a precious bonus ;)


Thursday, 16 December 2010

-340 Chistmas Day Singledom

Some facts before I begin my musings tonight...
  • I have 22 cousins
  • More than 50% of them are either married or in long term relationships
  • 5 of them are under 20 years old so even though they are in the 50% of unmarried/long term relationship they muck up my stats. So it's a lot worse.....*sigh*

If I go to the small Christmas Day gathering I am once again declaring that I am still single, unpartnered and unmarried as every single other cousin will be either with their spouses family, immediate family group or boyfriend/girlfriend's family on Christmas Day. Trouble is after I go to Church I don't really have any where else I need to be. My parent's will understand ( if I explain it properly rather than make up an excuse perhaps ) but *sigh* it requires an explanation. 

Now before you worry that I won't be celebrating Christmas, I will be. Christmas Eve is at my place this year with Devoted Dad, Marvellous Mum, Rock On Bro & His Better Half which will be great but yes, I really don't want to do the "only cousin who is unpartnered going to Christmas Day" thing again this year. *sigh* 

And to think I used to complain about having to do the drive up the coast on Christmas morning to get to lunch at The Real Ex's parent's place. The things I used to take for granted. *sigh* 

xMiss365 *sigh*

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

-341 Happy Valentines to me

Photo by George Stojkovic
Well today is Polly Pocket's 7th birthday and she had a lovely fun day full of celebrations and presents and lots of phone calls and text messages. I spent a bit of time with her earlier tonight and got to hear about her day and give her gift to her. One very excited little 7 year old. I still remember that child as a one month old (as jetlagged as I was I do remember!) meeting her for the first time and how tiny she was. It's amazing how one child (and now two with Such a boy) who are not my own can grab my heart and hold it the way they do. I can only imagine how parents feel about their children and how God must feel about us. 


So anyway, I have this aversion to going to gigs on my own. I recently gave up Lior tickets that I had bought because I firstly couldn't find anyone to go with me after a friend that I was going with couldn't go any longer and then I couldn't bring myself to go on my own. But in February ( on the 17th actually ) one of my favourite bands Doves are in Sydney and I am not going to miss them. And I know trying to get anyone interested in going when it's a band that is not mainstream or because it's a Thursday night would almost be impossible so it's a case of regret not seeing them live or getting out of denial land that I am single and may well always be. And go to gigs on my own. 

I bought a standing room ticket. Eeeeek. :)

I have until February to deal but I could talk myself out of Lior because he is an Australian artist. Doves are not. So Happy Valentines Day to me :)


Tuesday, 14 December 2010

-342 Such a non day

Such a non eventful day today. 

  • Traffic was irritating. Jason Falkner took care of that. Made it less so. Thanks Jason ;)
  • I did some admin work. I tried not to fuss around and see what Oprah was up to with her first Sydney show online. 
  • I ate lunch unenthusiastically. I ate chocolate less unenthusiastically. ;)
  • Did some more admin work that may involve receiving money a little later down the track so was slightly more motivated to get it done.
  • May have checked out what Oprah was up to online again. 
  • Went shopping after work to buy some shorts in my new size ( cannot believe that I am in a new size already and buying shorts! Not short shorts but shorts all the same!)
  • Also bought new drinking glasses, a pair of shoes and a card and ribbon for Polly Pocket's 7th birthday tomorrow :)
  • Have fussed around at home cleaning up a bit and decluttering, have eaten dinner and now about to go to bed. Helping to supervise 90 screaming kids on their last day of school tomorrow at a pool party before our long 5 week holidays. Cannot wait until Friday 3.15pm when I am FREE for 5 weeks ! Hurrah !


Edit - Have realised for such a non day I have fussed a lot. Lol ! 

Monday, 13 December 2010

-343 Itchy travel feet

Photo by Arvind Balaraman
So Bachelor #4 and I have been swapping travel stories over the past couple of nights and I now blame him because I have itchy travel feet. :)

I love traveling.

I've only really discovered this love in the past 10 years since being single and it's something I don't think I would have ever found out about myself had The Real Ex and I stayed together. 

So Bachelor #4 shared some of his recent travel expeditions and I started to feel that tingling in my feet. At first I ignored it as a well documented side effect of my migraine prevention meds is tingling in the hands and feet so I'm used to it but then I realised it was my travel feet that were getting itchy. Oh oh. I don't have the money for this ! Lol !

I am going 2 hours up the coast for 5 days over New Years but that is about relaxing not travelling. My travel browsing Expedia and Webjet fingers are getting wriggly and I wonder what last minute January deals I am going to be looking at tonight ?

I'll let you know. ;)


PS Marvelous Mum and Devoted Dad are not going to be particularly pleased if I do. They are already cat sitting The Cat Empire for the time I am away and currently have a tribe of 9 cats ( don't ask - long story ) they are feeding. Um, not sure how excited they are going to be if I book a trip OS for a week in Jan. ;)

Sunday, 12 December 2010

-344 Whoops - sorry God.

Photo by Paul
There are a number of benefits to living on my own I've discovered over the past 4 years. I can choose not to do the washing up until I am sick of it, I can stay up as late as I wish and not disturb anyone when I choose to eventually climb into bed, I can burst into song randomly and not be accused of disrupting the peace ;)

However it does come with some drawbacks. Such as if lets just say, if you in fact forget to set your alarm to get up for Church on a Sunday morning and then actually wake up to find out it isn't morning anymore ( in fact it is late afternoon ) - well - perhaps if there was someone in the flat with me wondering if I was indeed going to get up for Church or whom could be co blamed for not setting the alarm then this morning would not have happened. *blush*

Actually I can't really be sure what happened this morning. I could have indeed set my alarm and slept through it. I know at some point I did get up to take my migraine prevention medication and eat something so I think what I am facing today was the fact I had a whopper of a silent migraine and I just went into shut down mode. Not the first time it has happened. Nor will it be the last unless God does His total healing thing. :)

My head is tender, I feel odd and sleepy and I don't remember getting up today although there is evidence that I took the tablet, went to the bathroom and also had something to eat. Poor The Cat Empire didn't get fed until about 5pm when I peeled myself out of bed properly. ( Speaking of which can I blame the fact that yesterday I bought a high thread count Egyptian cotton doona cover to go with my high thread count fitted sheets? The doona cover is in white and as I fell into bed I felt like I was in a lovely hotel - bliss!)

So I am sorry that I missed Church this morning ( I look forward to it all week ) and refusing to think of that Bridget Jones quote about being dead and having her face being "eaten off by an alsatian" - :P


Saturday, 11 December 2010

-345 Bachelor Update #2

It's been a while so I thought I'd give you a Bachelor Update. Be prepared....

..for a short post ;)

Bachelor #1 - Has deleted his online profile and I presume has blocked me on MSN. Meh. Next.

Bachelor #2 - Wasn't really a Bachelor in my view and because of him being full on due to the way he is wired ( fearfully and wonderfully made but just with the full on social switch up to +20 ) I have to limit our online contact. So at the moment he is more like a Bachelor in training for some other fabulous chickie. :)

Bachelor #3 - Dropped off the radar and I haven't heard from him since his suggestion that we meet up when he got back to Sydney. Next. :)

Bachelor #4 - We have only just started emailing. Lives in another state. We have music, travel and an honest assessment of our faith in common so far. I am impressed because he has literally been to Hell. (Yes, follow the link but in a new tab so you can keep reading! ) 

So that's the update. I find online 'dating' difficult because it is so easy to make assumptions about people based on their photo or how cleverly they sell ( or don't ) themselves in their profile and it's easier for some to click on that red x button at the top of the screen when miscommunication occurs instead of asking and clarifying. It brings out the online shopper mentality I think. I struggle with it. But that said, it gives me hope that there are single, Christian men out there that may be interested in getting to know me and whether or not it is the way I meet Mr365 it gives me hope and something to do on a Friday and Saturday home alone night ;)


Friday, 10 December 2010

-346 Wanted in 2011

Photo by Michal Marcol

Compatible single friends to occasionally do one or more of the  following with me in 2011;

  • Go and see known and unknown local and overseas bands on weekends and the occasional spontaneous cheeky weeknight
  • See a movie with and chat about it afterwards
...and now I'm stuck for ideas. Hmm. Can I blame this on being a single person acting like a married person with kids who can't get a babysitter who therefore doesn't go out on a Friday or Saturday night anymore? ;)

No ?  I'm afeared I have become boring and when asked what my interests are I am hard pressed to expand on what I enjoy that involves more than the usual reading, watching movies or dvds, going to the gym or going for walks, sitting on the beach with a good book, seeing the occasional band ( although I am hard pressed to find someone to go with these days ), travelling and being involved in Church stuff. 

So I have added to the prayer list for God to give me some leading on how to be a single person who has more of an active social life with other similar age and stage of life Christians without having to move or change my Church or sacrifice any more of my life.  I love my friends and I will never sacrifice my friendship with them, but I am not likely to meet anyone sitting at home every Friday and Saturday night either ;)

By the way I have to say thank you to those that comment on the blog but also to those of you who are emailing me too :) Much appreciated. And for those of you that have added me to your prayer lists, please let me know what I can pray for you too :)


Thursday, 9 December 2010

-347 Through the looking glass

Photo by vegadsl
Somehow this past year, particularly since April,  I have felt a little like Alice in Wonderland viewing the world in a slightly warped way and thus reacting to the world in a way that I'm not quite used to. 

It's been an odd year, one where I've learned an awful lot, dealt with many issues, cried bucket loads of tears, doubted my feelings and reactions to things countless times and turned to God in a deeper way than I think I have in a long, long time. And as I mentioned in a previous blog my main Love Language where I feel most loved is Quality Time - doesn't have to be lots of time or always just about me time ( I'm not like that ) but it was a busy and stressful year for many of my close friends and family this year ( not just me ) so my love tank ran on empty for the most part. And so as a result at times I know I drove people mad with my self centredness and [dare I say it] neediness but.....

...for the first time in my life I have to take a breath and let it go instead of beating myself up over it. And this is hard for me to do. I find it easy to forgive others for stuff like this but forgiving myself is a lot harder.

In a way I wish all this letting go and the realisation that friendships had changed had occured when I hadn't been battling health issues. While they weren't life threatening or resulted in anything majorly serious, for a while there were no answers, a lot of physical pain and exhaustion and I don't think I dealt with any of it particularly well. When words like brain tumors, atrophy, hemmorages and possible MS and early onset Parkinsons are mentioned it was hard to know who to give what bit of information to and how much to keep just between yourself and God.  What made it hard as a single, unmarried person is that there turned out to be no particular person I could turn to that could just be there for me and that I didn't have to look after in some way or already had other obligations such as husbands and children.That was hard and emotionally exhausting . 

So then add to that the work issues that were tied in with my personal life and I had been bottling up for years I turned into a person that I still don't really recognise. Once who worried an awful lot, who turned nearly every conversation with certain people about her ( even though I told myself countless times wouldn't ), who didn't sleep after certain events or days in the week, and just was a big ball of stress. 

Occasionally I would get glimpses of the real me and I would laugh and have a normal conversation with people and I would sigh with relief and think that all the stress was over. But then something would happen and it would continue. 

But I've come to realise a few things this week and while the end of the work year is nigh and I think the work issue has been laid to rest ( for a while at least ) I can start to see myself as I talk to people and see myself as I am again. I overheard someone commenting the other day that I was "marvelous".*blush* Maybe that person was able to say something as lovely as that because on that particular day I was more like 'me' that I've been for a long time.

It's times like these though I have to wonder what God is doing. Would I have ended up in this ridiculous headspace if I had a husband - someone who I could come home from work and tell what was going on? Would it have made a difference to have a husband or even a boyfriend hold my hand instead of a nurse to get me through that MRI scan that sent me into not one but two panic attacks ? Would I have felt the change in my friendships and not felt the loss at being the only single person left in my group of friends as strongly as I did if I had a boyfriend at least ? 

But the reality is I don't. God has a plan and I have to trust that He knows what He is doing. I just have to trust and continue to be patiently obedient. And I will. It's just harder some days than others. But I'm glad to be out of Wonderland. It's a bit weird over there ;)


Wednesday, 8 December 2010

-348 Gah!

Photo by FreeDigitalPhotos.net Admin
Drawback of being an independent single woman such as myself?

Having to pay bills and ( er, fines ) on my own. *sigh*

My holiday leave loading comes in my pay tomorrow. And I just worked out by the time I pay the electricity bill that just came in ( which I am convinced is a made up number and my meter has not been read and yes it happens, and yes apparently they can 'guesstimate' ), a motorway toll fine ( faulty etag ), Strata levy & now a speeding fine ( *sigh* my first one ever ) and all the other regular bills, get my car serviced ( like I was supposed to months ago ), pay the balance of my holiday with friends over NYears and pay for those Christmas pressies ( that I had planned on for ages )...well let's just say there isn't much left of that Holiday leave loading. *sigh* 

But. That said. I am grateful to be in a job where I get leave loading, where I get paid in the holidays, that I have a roof over my head ( yes even though the bank owns most of it still I am still grateful ), that I have nice things, that I can buy presents for the people I care about, that I have the means to live on my own because I choose to. 

But most of all I am grateful to live in a country where I am free to worship God and live the way I do in freedom. Sure I might have one less demerit point next to my name now but I lost that point on my way to a Church music practice that didn't have to be hidden or in secret, where I didn't fear for my life. Tonight I pray for those who have to hide their faith or risk their life in doing so. 


Tuesday, 7 December 2010

-349 Remembering the 15 year old me today

Photo by Evgeni Dinev
So 21 years ago The Real Ex and I made out for the first time on a picnic bench at Music camp and deemed that as our Anniversary. Not that I've remembered this date for years but it jumped out at me today and it took me a few minutes to work out why it was ringing some bells of recognition in my head. And then I remembered and couldn't stop laughing. 

After a while I started to think about my 15 year old self who had no idea how much God loved me and how much I had to offer by just being who He created me to be. Back then I was such a different person - as most of us are as teenagers ( stupid mainly - lol! ) but how desperate I was all the time to prove myself because I hated who I was and was so ashamed of what I looked like ( poor me an Australian Size 10 - ridiculous how I thought that was fat ).

Some days I wish I could sit down with her and just tell her a few things. I would tell her....

1. He is not the one. You’ll be friends with him again when you are 35 but don’t put up with his rubbish now.
2. You are not fat! You are a size 10 you freak! Stop with the dieting! You will screw up your metabolism! Put down the caffeine pills now! Go to the beach and wear a bikini. This is when you can do it !
3. Taking a gap year is not fashionable now but it will be later on. Do it. Take a year off and travel. Remember he is not the one. It doesn’t matter if he can’t deal with it. ;)

4. See that Chapel over there ? The God that you've learned about on and off and the Jesus you made a commitment to in Year 7 but didn't know what to do about - well, He loves you. He created you and will give you all that love and attention and guidance you need.
4. If you choose not to listen to me it’s ok. You will learn a lot in the next 17 and bit years and have friends and experiences that you can’t even imagine now. But seriously, go wear a bikini ;)

What would you tell yourself a half a lifetime or so ago ? ;) 


Monday, 6 December 2010

-350 The introduction that healed my heart

Photo by Michal Marcol
I've been friends with Bestest Bud for almost 12 years now and over that time our friendship has been pretty stable. There have been some tough times but we've managed to work around these issues by not talking about them. Lol. 

Sounds wrong and in a lot of ways it is but over the years I've learned to respect her need not to talk about stuff that she is dealing with until after she has worked it through and tried not to confront her over dips in our friendship or when I've been hurt. 

Until recently it's worked because I've been able to share with other people or worked out other ways to work through it but it became apparent this year that God would have no more of that and made me deal with my fear of telling people they had hurt me just in case they picked up and walked away. I just don't feel safe. 

Unfortunately Bestest Bud has been part of the work issue that I'm not going into detail about she's been caught in the middle and I've agonised for so long and felt so guilty for what I could potentially I could say to her if I unbuttoned my lips that I've been somewhat guarded when we have hung out. 

Sadly she has been going through her own issues ( that I didn't know about ) and the distance between us has widened. 

When you look at the 5 Love Languages ( quiz for Singles follow the link but remember to come back ! ) I am quite firmly in the Quality Time and Words of Affirmation category as the two aspects that I respond best to. Again, Quality Time is not something she could give me ( due to circumstances I didn't know about ) and she is not a big Words of Affirmation person ( which I've always known and I've never expected her to be different ) so I've felt the difference in our friendship deeply. After a lot of Prayer and support ( The Princess and Crazy Med Student have been amazing yet caught in the middle of my maddness and sadness but have been wonderful ) we have hung out a bit, had a few honest chats and things are a lot better than they were. It feels as if a cool breeze had been blown into our friendship and although there are still things I wished I could say about how sad I feel about the changes and how I wasn't sure about where things stood between us and my relationship with her kids, things were pretty ok. 

Today a Southerly blew through without her realising it and I feel valued. All because someone introduced us to each other. It wasn't that she acknowledged to this group of teachers that we work with that we were former flatmates or that we have known each other for almost 12 years or have worked together before it was the fact that after a bit of chat and someone said something along the lines of "You guys must know each other well then" she replied with;

"Well yes. She was there for the birth of my two kids."

And just like that I felt valued. She didn't have to volunteer that information. We were at work. We'd established that we were friends, we had been flatmates etc. And we both laughed and said it was nice to be introduced to each other as it hadn't happened in a long, long time. 

Just like that my heart was healed. My lingering questions about the current status of our friendship had been answered and although I know Bestest Bud and I ( and Bonsai Master, Polly Pocket & Such a Boy ) will be lifelong friends sometimes hearing the importance of your friendship established like that in a public way is exactly what can heal a heart that has been sad and lonely. 

Value your friends. Someone prayed for a friend for Bestest Bud all those years ago, it turned out to be me if God can bless me with a friend in this way not long after The Real Ex and I broke up I just have to pray that my prayers and the prayers of others for a Mr365 will happen in the most perfect, wonderful, God amazing way - soon ! :)


Sunday, 5 December 2010

-351 So not an introvert

Photo by Pixomar
But wishing I was. I'm not an over the top extrovert but I will choose a conversation over just about anything and tonight am sick of my own company. 

In two weeks I have 5 weeks of holidays coming up and I am looking forward to spending 5 of those days at a holiday house with my close friends, seeing Miss Chicago but the rest of the time may be spent in my own company. And in a lot of ways I am desperate for the time away from work but dreading the fact that holidays  highlight the fact that I am single. Sure there will be random, scattered coffee and lunches but now that my friends have kids and husbands ( and work commitments ) those times are few and far between.

Too much time spent alone messes with my head. Which is something I've known since my mid twenties and wonder why God has me in this season. I really hope it doesn't go on forever. 

Can you tell I am feeling the single person blues deeply tonight? I think I need to get a good nights rest and hopefully let the sunshine wake me up with a shade of aqua in the morning ;)

Goodnight !


Saturday, 4 December 2010

-352 It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Photo by Suat Eman
It's time to put up the Christmas tree which is something I didn't do last year since I was lazy and couldn't be bothered. Before you gasp and tut tut tut at me I did put lights in the window I just couldn't be bothered to take down the tree from the top of the wardrobe just for me to look at! ;)

This year I am having Christmas eve with my immediate family at my flat so not only do I want to have the decorations up I need to clean the flat properly. *sigh* 

I inwardly complain that I rarely get invited over for dinner or whatever to other people's places and blame it on being single. And while to some degree it's true, like my birthday evening most people assumed that I would be spending it with someone else, I haven't opened my home to others in a long time. 

Then he turned to the host. "The next time you put on a dinner, don't just invite your friends and family and rich neighbors, the kind of people who will return the favor. Invite some people who never get invited out, the misfits from the wrong side of the tracks. You'll be—and experience—a blessing. They won't be able to return the favor, but the favor will be returned—oh, how it will be returned!—at the resurrection of God's people."Luke 14:12-14 (The Message)

And while that verse is encouraging me to invite over those that won't be able to give me an invite back, it also reminds me that if I invite others over they will more than likely return the favour. ( Or at least I will have people over and won't be sitting on my own on a Friday or Saturday night ). ;)

It's just getting the motivation to do it I guess. This year has been a shocking year for me health wise and while I finally have an answer it has meant that a vast majority of my free weekends have been on the lounge or in bed sleeping. Not tidying or cleaning. I have a lot of work to do before Christmas eve.

But the tree is up, the Christmas lights are all aglow and while I was going to watch 'The Year Without Santa Claus' while I did it ( I am Team Heat Miser all the way ! ) Anne of Green Gables was on TV and I watched that instead....although I did mute the tv when Matthew died *sob* 

Only 21 days till Christmas!


Friday, 3 December 2010

-353 Something in the water

Photo by Francesco Marino
There is something in the water. Or I'm just at an age where I seem to be going to endless Baby showers, keeping "I'm pregnant but not quite 12 weeks yet announcements" quiet and reading creative "We're pregnant!" announcements on Facebook and Twitter statuses and feeds. 

I am going to a Baby Shower tomorrow and I have a confession to make. I really dislike with a passion.....sorry if you like them....Baby Shower games.  (And Kitchen Tea games too while we're at it - lol!) Ugh! I don't mind the "Guess how big the belly is with a piece of coloured wool" game or the "Take a peg off someone every time they say 'Baby'". But I seriously draw the line at "Be blindfolded and smell the nappy* to guess what chocolate it is!"

And my ponderings tonight may sound like a case of 36 year old single sour grapes but at what age do Baby Showers and Kitchen Teas for that matter become redundant ? I would find it seriously hard to justify asking people to buy me gifts as a 37/38/39 year old for gifts to help me set up a kitchen/house/baby when I have been working full time since I was 22 and hopefully so has my 'yet to show his face' other half. But then I guess I have always found the concept of a Baby shower hard to swallow anyway and I have spent a lot of money over the years paying for venues and extras for my birthday celebrations so that I can celebrate with the people I love. 

But I care about my friends so I have bought a gift for tomorrow but I am not going to be sniffing any nappies* even if they are covered in my favourite chocolate ;)

*Nappy - Aussie speak for diaper ;)


Thursday, 2 December 2010

-354 Gadget geek alert

Short post tonight. Won't be very insightful. 

I bought an ipad tonight.

64GB, WiFi, 3G. 



Too busy to blog....although the salesman (while making chit chat) in a random way asked if I was single and because he was slightly creepy I stammered and said no. I have been big for so many years I have no 'go to' phrase to say "Thanks but not interested" without looking like an idiot just in case he was just making chit chat. Hmmm. Maybe shall ponder that tomorrow.

Hey ! I wonder if there is an ipad app for that?! :P


Wednesday, 1 December 2010

-355 Photo montage

Yesterday's work issue has spilled over to today (let's be real, this work issue has been going on for four years. I'm just out of denial in the past few months.) again as I am about to leave work 'What's up with that?!' I'm still too wound up to be thoughtful or share 'I'm afraid that I'll share too much so it's better if I keep my words under lock and key today. I am praying and seeking God for wisdom and peace.I'm doing ok, just need to breathe.'

Inspired or shamelessly taken ( however you wish to put it - lol !) from Jeanine's blog HERE (and on my list of faves to the right) under the alias of Miss365 but still being true to myself I have made my own photo montage.

  1. First name : Miss365
  2. Favourite food : potatoes
  3. Favourite colour : Blue
  4. Dream house : Beach house
  5. Ideal job : my job ( in theory - lol ! )
  6. Favourite superhero : Wonderwoman
  7. Favourite holiday :Easter 
  8. Favourite book : Ramona the Pest
  9. Favourite outside activity : Watching fireworks on the beach

Photos on Flickr. Mosaic made using Mosaic Maker.



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