A (somewhat) honest look at what it's like to be a single, Christian woman in her mid 30s in Sydney who wants to remain true to the life that God has planned for her but doesn't want to let go of her dream of being in a relationship again and eventually being a wife and mother

Tuesday, 29 March 2011

-274 Watch this space!

Cannot tell you why I am doing a happy dance right now - not until perhaps tomorrow anyway ! But I will say Thank you for your prayers. Sometimes God does everything He can to make His will and plan abudantly clear but it just takes a little time and some manovering on His part. With perhaps a bit of nudging me into His path rather than what I think is His path too! ;)

Watch this space....um.... actually watch the space above because that's where you'll find out in post -273 :)


Sunday, 27 March 2011

-275 I'm back - not that I ever left

Where did my week go? Other than working and living through a ninja migraine ( silent migraine that I don't always feel in my head but my body still responds to the insane pain )that I didn't realise I was battling until Thursday afternoon when the pain actually kicked in - I've been busy getting through all the stuff that has a deadline attached to it. 

After this week and talking things through with Marvelous Mum yesterday ( sometimes just talking out loud clarifies things ) I've realised that this new generic brand of migraine meds I am on perhaps isn't agreeing with me. My hair has been dropping out at an insanely high rate ( which I had under control somewhat in the past month or so ), I've been jittery, the ninja week long migraine is back and it's been really difficult to concentrate when I am reading and not just Uni textbooks either. I've only been on this brand for 2 weeks so it's back to the doc to get another script this week because I'm out of repeats. Another thing to do. Lol !

This week I'll have to do a Bachelor Update - 'cause it's been a while. 

Ok, back to the Uni work....

....err...um...actually it's time to watch Fringe Mmmm Joshua Jackson....and then one final reading before bed. 


Monday, 21 March 2011

-276 A one line post

Feeling a little overwhelmed with what is due to be done this week. Better get back to it. Reflection shall have to wait. 

Ok. Slightly more than one line. :P


Saturday, 19 March 2011

-277 Work took over this week

Photo by luigi diamanti
Quite simply work took over this week and I chained myself to my computer a lot and tried to get a whole stack of programming and Uni work done. I have one subject left to complete my Masters and 2 assessments to go so I thought I'd better get cracking on it. I drank far too much coffee *mmm Cherry Lattes * and diet coke and watched eps of The Big Bang Theory & How I Met Your Mother as I worked constantly.....

Thanks for your prayers regarding my last post. As of yet I still haven't been called about that appointment nor do I know exactly what the issue is about. I have however spoken to that person on a different topic and it wasn't brought up so I have no idea when or even if it's going to happen. It's almost like I've been waiting for the guillotine to fall this week but since Friday afternoon and having a good conversation with Dependable Dad about it all I am less anxious about it and the longer it takes for this appointment to be made the more I believe it must be a reaction to something rather than a real ongoing important issue. 

Hopefully I'll hear about those two jobs I applied for this week. That might be my out. :)

Have also made some interesting connections with my pruning and shall get to that post soonish. 


Gotta get to bed. Church tomorrow. :)


Monday, 14 March 2011

-278 More pruning?

Not going to write anything much tonight. All I am going to say is that it appears my work issues that I thought had been put to rest late last year apparently have not. I'm not sure what it's all about just yet as I haven't really been informed properly but the worry, anxiety and sadness this is causing me makes me wish I had never had opened my mouth in first place. I haven't handled all of it particularly well in the past in retrospect but I honestly thought making a firm break between work and personal would help. 

It doesn't seem like a coincidence now that since I calmly set the record straight the other day it seems there may be some kind of consequence for that. It's just speculation. I could be completely wrong since I don't actually know what's going on but I do know that I will be requested for a meeting sometime in the future and it has something to do with my personal/work relationship with a particular person. 

I'm not looking for answers or comments on this post tonight and I do know it's a big downer post and quite cryptic but I do want to be honest about my life as a single person too. There are going to be nights where we ( us single people particularly those who live alone ) who come home from work and find it hard because there is no one to talk or vent to or get a hug off or distract us from work problems so sometimes on nights like tonight they weigh more heavily than they should. Tonight is a night like that for me. 

I'm sure it will all work out but it's all just too complicated at the moment. 

Trusting God. Big time. :)


Sunday, 13 March 2011

-279 Shame is a bubbling up

The events of the past week or so are prompting me to believe that God is attempting to teach me something about myself once again. He's shaking my tree and pruning the dead branches, hopefully so that new, beautiful fruit has the opportunity to grow. I just need to let him and not dodge the pruning sheers when He brings them out. ;)

Not long after I started this blog I wrote a post about my shame being pinned with a yellow ribbon in ballet exams. That yellow ribbon meant that I was not expected to pass my exam and/or I couldn't be paired up properly with another dancer in my grade with a similar body type. I knew this even as a 7 or 8 year old and I felt shame that I wasn't slender and birdlike and that there was something not 'normal' about me. Big fat lie. But one that stuck.
Since July 2010 when I found out that I was having silent daily chronic migraines that was screwing up my metabolism, giving me constant gastro-intestinal issues and cycles of having energy to burn and then no energy whatsoever, I have lost about 25kg ( 55 pounds ) and have gone from a size 18 - 20 to a size 14 in normal sizes. Big big change. Yay me. And yay migraine prevention meds. :)

But I'm still left with the mentality of being big. And the shame that I attached to it. In the other post I wrote....

I don't deserve...
  • To be treated with respect ( because I am ashamed )
  • To have someone that I find attractive say that they find me attractive as well ( because I am ashamed )
  • To ask for help when I need it I should be independent and not be a burden on people ( because I am ashamed )
  • To say that I am hurt when my feelings are hurt ( because I am ashamed )
  • A body that I am proud of ( because I am ashamed - I am really ashamed because even though I do exercise and eat well most of the time I can't do it for more than a few months and end up back where I started, then I'm just lazy and having Nanna naps every afternoon, tired and eating random stuff. I am ashamed because I have no self control. I like the first lot of the fruits of the Spirit. But the sense of shame I get whenever I hear or have to teach on the fruits ( Galatians 5:22 ) just brings me deeper down again and more disconnected with myself. 

And now I realise that I am ashamed that I am single. I am ashamed that by the age of 36 I haven't been in a relationship for 12 years, been introduced to anyone by my friends, been kissed, had a relationship start with a guy that I had a strong connection with and not be told that he "...felt connected to me but it was wrong" or that "God said no but that didn't mean I was physically unattractive" or "I like you but I'm just not attracted to you at the moment maybe down the track", lost the confident young girl that just used to look at a guy and he was interested not just because she was cute but because she had that inner light, even though the weight gain was mostly the migraines I must've done something wrong. 

And it's a battle because I was just telling someone that I can see that over the past twelve years of being big and single that God has created my character that I wouldn't have been had I not been big. I wouldn't have had the compassion for others and been drawn to the job I do, or run the disability camp or get involved in Kids ministry, or want to live a life that makes a difference. It would have been all about the fact that I can sing and it still would be all about 'me me me' look at what I can do. 

I know who I am in Christ. I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that I am blessed because I have legs, arms and a body that does what I generally want it to do, I know that getting married is not a reward system set up with God "If I am a good Christian, He will bless me with a husband". 

Why am I still thinking through the shame filter? Is it just going to take time for my thinking to catch up with what my body looks like now and what it will look like when I lose another 20 or so kilos ? 

I have no answers tonight but I do think that's why I am annoyed by the boxes at the moment. I am ashamed of my single state and being thought of as a 'yellow ribbon' person in life because I am not married.


Saturday, 12 March 2011

-280 Why it's none of your business or Tomorrow has arrived ( You pick the title today )

Well dear readers, tomorrow is here and I have thought about why I was so bugged, irritated, downright snippy, rebellious about the need to clarify if I was indeed;
  • Single
  • Married
  • Widowed
  • Divorced
My initial reaction  I admit was annoyance and reluctance in essence to put myself back in a box, even on a form that will be typed into a database and place in a filing cabinet for a year. After all, this time next year I could be ticking the Married box. God can do amazing things in 12months. This I see even our leaders lives year after year. However I was too bugged by it.

Overnight I started to think about the options and how I would feel about ticking those.  
  • Married -  Ms. Blasé you are right in saying that "... all of the married chicks I know jump at the chance to announce their marital status to the world. (And quite frankly, I would too if I were married!"  Yep, so would I but in a 1% way at the moment I am glad I can't tick that as I wouldn't have had the opportunity to think about this. Being Married is a feeling to be proud of. There is no shame attached. Your have been 'chosen' by someone other than God. You can prove that another human being of the opposite sex believes you to be so awesome that they are willing to share living arrangements, a bed, possibilities of the toothpaste lid being off or on, having to put the toilet seat down or forever be nagged about it and about a million other things. Married appears to be a status to be proud of. 
  • Single - Well you know how I feel about being single. Equal parts love and sad with a side order of shame for the age I am at anyway. If I was a younger leader to tick single would not faze me at all or if it did it would only be a bit of wistful 'I wish'. But....to be ticking that box at 36 just brings up the feelings of shame that no one of the opposite sex thinks I am awesome enough to...etc etc etc. 
  • Divorced - I dread to think how at least two of our leaders are going to feel having to tick this box ( and it's not even accurate - they need a separated box to be legally correct ) after the trauma and pain they have gone through the past few years. Every marriage has a story. Ticking this box puts a big invisible scarlet D on this person without knowing their circumstances. Depending on who is privy to reading these forms an their own personal beliefs about Divorce, no matter what the view of the Denomination you cannot control individual's own perspectives on such a Christian controverial topic. 
  • Widowed - While I appreciate that they have this box how hard would that be to tick if it were recent? 
Basically the only option that wouldn't cause any type of shame or sadness or worry that I would be labelled.....oh and remember I am volunteering to Direct/lead on a camp for Disabilites where we actively promote not being labelled.....would be Married or Single ( if I was in my 20s or I didn't want to be married ).


I had a chat to Bestest Bud and Bonsai Master about it today while talking and organising camp stuff and we came to the conclusion that they are probably doing it for survey purposes. Which I then counter that to make it relevant they need to have more options - "Separated" &  "I prefer not to say"  and make it clear which sections are for data collection and which sections are for determining your suitability for Directing or Leading on their camps. Again it's a case of one perspective type people designing forms without looking outside the box ( so to speak ) and considering that their questions may cause people to be labeled as a result. 


PS Bestest Bud ( who is not rebellious at all ) said to leave it blank. In fact she said there were several things that she found intrusive on the form that she will be "Whoops" forgetting to fill out. Big big lol.

Friday, 11 March 2011

-281 None of your business

Photo by Keattikorn
As I write this I am filling out a form that I am required to complete every year to 'apply' to be the Assistant Director of a camp for Teens with disabilities that I run with Bestest Bud each year. This year there is a new form. 

I just got to the stage where I am asked my marital status. Am I....

  • Single
  • Married
  • Divorced
  • Widowed?
I would like a fifth option. "None of your business" or "What does it matter?" Really. 

It's not in the 'Next of Kin' question. 

I'm not answering it. I am annoyed by it. Bad attitude perhaps but I really don't see any need. Unless someone can tell me a really excellent reason why the overseeing denomination needs to know the marital status of the leaders of the various camps they run 'Whoops' my box will remain a mystery.

Ok - perhaps a "I'd prefer not to comment" option might work. Yep. Really. Really. Bad stinking attitude. I get it. I just can't work out why it's relevant. Being tired doesn't help. 

I'll adopt a Scarlett O'Hara attitude now and think about this tomorrow ;)


Tuesday, 8 March 2011

-282 Things that made me smile today

I'll have to come back to yesterday's post and do a quick edit as I actually went to the source after talking and listening to the Source about what to do. And I'm glad I approached her about this perception she has of me being clingy and dependent and more importantly about where this perception comes from. Very interesting. And not really all that surprising. 

But I wanted to quickly share before I grab and early night with my new book Left Neglected about why I enjoyed today.....

  • Today was sunny and despite traffic being horrid there is just something about a crisp, sun shiny day that makes me smile. :)
  • I found Cherry Coke Zero at a local supermarket yesterday and stocked up on a few cans. It's not something that we get in Australia and I do a little happy dance every time I see that I can purchase it. Thank you (not) New York 2010 for beginning this love ( as we can also blame Hong Kong for the Salad Pretzel & Grape Fanta , Singapore for the Curry Twisties addictions too - lol ). Lunch today was accompanied by a can of this fave. Smile while sipping. :)
  • While having lunch I was reading Facebook and Joshua Radin updates that tickets for his Australian tour ( since when?!) had just gone on sale! Well I logged onto the presale and purchased two tickets for his Sydney show. *sigh with love* Have no one to go with yet and as far as I know none of my friends in Sydney love him the way I do but I am hopeful that there will be someone to go with in June. So that made me not only smile but do an inner happy dance ( and perhaps a little car dance on the way home) ;)
  • A few weeks ago I applied for a promotional job in a relieving position. I didn't get that job ( although I did come close to getting it ). Well not one but two of the same jobs were advertised today soooooo close to home and I am hopeful that this is the out that God has been preparing me for with regards to work and making the break between my work and personal life. I am praying so hard but with an inner sense of peace and knowledge that whatever happens is His plan it's hard to describe at the moment. But I would love it if you could pray :) ( Applications close on Friday 11th and I'll know sometime the following week ). It's only a reliving position until mid June but could be extended. So this made me smile smile smile. 
  • And your comments. Knowing that I actually have people that come and read my random thoughts about my life and take the time to comment and respond. People whom I don't know and who only know me through this blog. YOU make me smile. I was thinking about it today. YOU bless me so much just by commenting and those of you who are stopping by and reading snippits even. Aunt Haley, Elsie, Ms. Blasé& Jeanine for putting me on your blogrolls. :) :) :)
*smiley* Miss 365

Monday, 7 March 2011

-283 1/2 Stuck in a box - the answer

Thanks Michelle & Miss Blasé for your comments on Day -283 Stuck in a Box. I really appreciate them. A lot. Encouragement and wisdom from both of you. *love* 

So after wondering, being annoyed rather than angry and just plain confused over this apparent perception of me. I did exactly what I supposed to do. I prayed. And I knew that I really should firstly talk to Bestest Bud to see if that was her perception of me since it was implied that I was clingy and dependent to her & Bonsai Master ( as I wrote about in the previous post ) but I also knew that I needed to talk to the friend in question and find out whether this was a story that was fed to her by someone else or if it was her impression.  

Since I knew the circumstances and events that had led up to this friend expressing this perception I was able to approach her about this and clear up why I had actually left a ministry that we were both a part of up until recently. At the time that I left I was unable to tell anyone the real reason ( I needed to make a break between my personal life and professional life ) but I couldn't do that until I had spoken to the person in question. I realised through talking to her that she had drawn her own conclusions and those conclusions came to the fact that due to an unrelated comment by Bestest Bud this friend put two and two together and came up with "Miss365 because she is single has been too clingy and dependent on Bestest Bud  & The Crew and needed to leave and their friendship is in tatters". 

Basically it boiled down to the fact that so far it's just this one particular friend's perception ( and whoever else has chosen to believe her interpretation of events over the past few years ) based on her overwhelming need to get, keep and marry as soon as possible rather than be single. I really should have thought about it a little more deeply but I got caught up in the fact she knew an event that happened between myself & Bestest Bud  that I hadn't shared with her. 

But it did get me thinking that I am going to have to either accept or rail against this perception that when you are single that it's easy to be put in the "clingy, dependent" box based on other peoples perceptions of singleness rather than your own actions. If I was clingy and dependent I would be inviting myself over to peoples places, calling them constantly, crying when no one was paying attention to me and wouldn't be writing a blog every most days because I would be too busy stomping my feet and demanding that my friends pay me some attention ;)

I can't control other peoples perceptions of singleness. I barely even control my perception of singleness as it changes so much from month to month as the desert gets longer and longer. So I'd better just accept it but ask questions and stand up for myself calmly like I did in this situation. I think I escaped this box but if she puts me back in, well meh I have other things to think about. ;)


Sunday, 6 March 2011

-283 Stuck in a box

Photo by posterize

Well one of my worse ( well not THE worst but close ) "singleton" fears was confirmed on my 'lady date' last night. At least one ( or more by the sounds of it ) of our mutual friends/acquaintances see me as the.....


Yup. And the circumstances & context implies that it wasn't a one off or something that was just an 'off the cuff' kind of comment. *sigh* So not the image I have been trying to cultivate. 

Thankfully things have been so much better between myself and Bestest Bud lately that I was able to ask her how she felt ( since it was implied that I was dependent on The Crew ) and after a honest and inner knee knocking chat both her and Bonsai Master alleviated my fears and confirmed that I was not dependent nor clingy and in fact I threw a spanner in the works in our living arrangements when I announced that I was going to buy my own place.  I did this about 4 years previous when I realised that my whole world was connected to them ( work, home, friends, church ) and if they moved away I would be left to rebuild exactly like I needed to do when The Non Bachelor and I broke up.

So imagine my dismay and yes, annoyance to find out that some see me as the 'tragic, co dependent single person' even though I don't think I have actually done anything to deserve that reputation. I probably didn't announce to the world that I initiated the splitting up of the Miss 365 & The Crew living arrangements after almost 3 successful years of sharing a house. Silly me ;)  

I know I shouldn't care what others think of me and as I am typing this Galatians 1:10 comes to mind;
Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. 

But GAH! These are my friends. And I am clingy? Or is that just because they don't understand how it took time for all of us ( myself & The Crew ) to adjust to not living with each other anymore. Is the assumption that because I am the single one that somehow my life is lacking so therefore I mooch off Bestest Bud & Bonsai Master's awesome twosome life?

So readers - ever been put in that clingy box and been bugged by it ? How did you get out or did you have to get married to get out ? Or did it not matter ? 

I'm sure if I don't think about it anymore it won't matter ;)


Saturday, 5 March 2011

-284 A lady date

Photo by idea go's
Last night I had a spontaneous 'lady date' with someone who I guess has in the past been in that place of being part acquaintance, part friend but I've known her since she was about 14 ( she's 22 now ). We both left the comfort of our homes to go and see a movie, sighed and had a whispered battle over who was going to marry Timothy Olyphant *love* *mmm**sigh* when we both realised he was on screen in the movie and had a coffee and chat until 2am about a whole range of things from life to family to loyalty to love to ambition.

We discovered that we could relate on a range of levels and we are in similar places in life after a "glad to see the back of 2010" kind of way. I think despite our age difference we could be quite good friends. I'll have to think of an appropriate name for her since I think she'll be mentioned in this blog in the coming weeks. :)

Best bit of the night ? She seriously thought that I was 32. She came to my 31st party - 5 years ago ;)


Friday, 4 March 2011

-288 - 285 The first work week of March ( Tuesday 1st - Friday 4th March 2011)

Photo by luigi diamanti
All week I've had these pre migraine symptoms and came home each afternoon prepared to go for a walk or an interval run but ended up just staring at the TV or going to have a quick afternoon nap that turned into a 3 or 4 hour one. Annoying but obviously necessary.

Nothing hugely insightful to share from this week but some highlights -

  • My work badge has my surname on it but because I am a Teacher that teaches in different schools all the time kids need to know what to call me and other Teachers need to know what to introduce me as. Hence my badge says "Miss [insert the real Bruce Wayne type surname of Miss 365 here]". Well on Wednesday I accidentally kept it on and went to the shops after work to buy the milk, some english muffins and other staples ( no bananas - lol ) and got asked for my phone number twice! I didn't work it out until the second guy who pointed out I was a 'Miss'. So apparently it pays to advertise - even if you do it inadvertently. ;) Oh and no, I did not give out my number. The first guy no - the second guy was wearing a wedding ring. 
  • I got my hair coloured and cut on Thursday night and I love it ! Other people aren't sure about it because the colour starts halfway down my head rather than at the top and goes from really dark at the top to light at the ends but it's a little edgy and more ME than I have been in a long, long time. Love it!
  • I get higher points on "Groove is in the Heart" than on "Hot and Cold" on Wii Just Dance 1. And I laugh like a hyena the whole time so I'm at a loss to exactly how I am getting these points. Although my running man rocks! ;)
  • I've noticed a pattern to my Friday night's now. I am finding that I am working back longer and longer in the afternoon, hitting ridiculous peak hour traffic that is worse because it is Friday, doing some food shopping and then by the time I get home and have dinner it's not that many hours until I need to go to bed and because I have a regular Saturday morning appointment to get up for. I have come to see Friday nights as my lonely night and almost procrastinating going home in order to make it pass quicker. There's a ballet class that I've looked into going to and I'm going to do it so I can do ballet again on my own terms ( this post will explain some of my issues ) but I've been avoiding starting that as well. 
Well that's about all for my week. Only 5 weeks until holidays! 



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