A (somewhat) honest look at what it's like to be a single, Christian woman in her mid 30s in Sydney who wants to remain true to the life that God has planned for her but doesn't want to let go of her dream of being in a relationship again and eventually being a wife and mother

Wednesday, 31 August 2011

-238 Sing My Soul

Image by Chaiwat
I thought I'd share with you a Part 2 to yesterday's post and tell you about how I ended my teary day.

Not all that long after writing my Help Fatigue Day -239 post, I shut down my computer, turned off the TV, stood in the middle of my lounge room and with tears rolling down my face sang songs of praise to God.

I can't tell you now because I honestly can't remember, what songs I sang but I can tell you that the bits of songs that poured out of my heart surprised me sometimes with their "vintages" and at times a tiny part of my brain was thinking "How on earth am I remember all the lyrics to this song? Haven't sung this one for years!"

But my spirit and my heart knew what I needed to sing to Him in my sadness last night.

Today was an ok day. Not amazing. Not horrid. There were a couple of great work moments. But it was an ok day.

And I'm fine with that.


Tuesday, 30 August 2011

-239 Help fatigue

This morning as I was leaving the flat I thought that I was going to come home tonight and write a nice, happy, hope filled post that was full of positive energy and sunshine and all things lovely. :)

And my day started off happy and all was good.

But I started to notice as the day wore on I was less inclined to want to help others when they asked for it. I didn't exactly say "No" but I was a little lazy in my answers. At one stage, after I had just bitten into a rather large piece of chilli in my Pork roll, that perhaps that was my consequence for giving half hearted "helpful" answers.

So after getting a fair amount of work done and having a slightly anxious conversation with colleagues about something that is coming up in our sector I got in the car, drove about 100 metres down the road and...

...burst into tears.


And there have been random acts of crying since.

I won't bore you with all the details but I've prayed a lot this afternoon and I've reached the point of what I call "Help Fatigue".  My job is essentially helping others and speaking encouragement, wisdom and gentle "What on earth were you thinking?!" on an hourly basis every day.

I love my job. But it's a give, give, give job too.

And on other days I've felt like this in the past I've been in close proximity to kid cuddles or within a day or two of being involved in a community where someone may notice my sad eyes or because of that community I felt connected and less alone.

And the feeling passed.

But now I'm no longer connected to that community and I'm not in close proximity to kid cuddles -  I'm just at a loss.....honest post, hey? :)

So tonight I feel like I am suffering temporarily from help fatigue, disconnected & lacking in kid cuddles.

I'm ok. I promise.  And it has nothing to do with the Bachelor Updates or my retirement from online dating.

I just keep thinking tonight......

This too shall pass. :)


Wednesday, 24 August 2011

-240 Done with online dating.

Sorry it's been a while between posts. Potential Bachelor #5 and I were getting to know each other for a couple of weeks with voice emails and the like & one long Skype chat. 

And then that was it. 

Over a week and a half and nothing. 

I sent him a bright, cheery, short but not dismissive email about a week ago - just to remind him I'm still alive I guess and still no reply. 

I haven't seen him on Skype since so he's either not on, he's blocked me or he set up some other account that he hasn't logged onto again.

What I don't like about this online stuff is the ability to just avoid and never know why the other person lost interest in getting to know you. I've learned over the years that it most likely has nothing to do with me. He could have found interest with someone closer to home or some big family thing happened or he could have lost all fingers in a harvester accident....



And I do mean that "Whatever" with a shrug of my shoulders. 

But it would be nice to know sometimes. 

So Hurrah. My last online dating membership runs out in a couple of days so after much prayer I'm fairly certain that I need to let this go for a while. I think in some ways I'm trying to "control" God by persistently doing the online stuff. I know I need to just let it go and get on with doing other things. Like losing some more weight and being more than ok with being on my own again not just mostly. 

I've also realised that by participating in online dating I was using it as a safety net of sorts to not trust that I can attract men in real life. Crazy hey? 

So yes. Potential Bachelor #5 is done for reasons I cannot fathom. I don't think I'm that scary. Actually I know I'm not. 

On to the rest of the year getting fit and healthy again and seeing what God does for me with friendships and more in real life. Maybe nothing. But at least I won't be waiting by the inbox anymore. 

Worse than the days of waiting by the phone. ;)


Saturday, 13 August 2011

-241 Last was not the last

The last email was not the last email.

It was just a little slow in coming.

We have picked up the pace since then.

I have discovered I should not read/listen to them when they arrive newly minted in my inbox when I am at work.

I am embarrassed at my smiley lameness.

Yes I am keeping my head and guarding my heart and we are at the very beginning stages of a friendship but at the same time I am choosing this time not to be too guarded. I feel that God is telling me not to be. So I shall listen.

But yes. At the moment. I am like :D

*sigh* I am 36 and acting like I am 16 again.



Sunday, 7 August 2011

-242 Potential Bachelor #5

Well it's only been a week but there maaayyyyy be a potential Bachelor #5 that I am getting to know but alas he lives on the other side of the world.

It might fizzle out really quickly. I'm not really sure why I am even giving him potential Bachelor status but he's the first one to intrigue me in a long time.

I'm waiting on the next email. It's been a couple of days. No biggie but I dislike the wait in the early days because you can't help but wonder if the last email was the last one.

Will keep you updated.


Wednesday, 3 August 2011

-243 When you are not the love of the love of your life's life

Miss365's iphone
Friday night I went and saw one of my favourite bands with The Non Bachelor. Now if you've been reading my blog for a while you would know that he is actually the last serious relationship I had over 11 years ago.

I wrote this on a dating site forum the other day ( I have since removed it ) which will explain where my head is at with regards to our relationship and how I can look at him now and not want anything more.

....I was with my ex-boyfriend from the ages of 15-25 and for only 4 years of that we were Christian. It was a roller-coaster of a relationship, that you would expect of two broken individuals that literally grew up together that wasn't always pretty or healthy but we were great friends and loved each other passionately.Part of the problem me thinks ;) 

So it was up and down until he simultaneously started to walk away from Church and a committed relationship with Christ and met the woman that he would literally marry within 18months of us breaking up.

I won't go into the complicated circumstances that surrounded our break up but suffice to say it wasn't pretty and I was broken. And lost. 

God put my heart together again piece by piece lovingly and built me from the ground up again. 

For years after we had broken up I would occasionally get a leading from God to pray for the ex, and I would through gritted teeth, but I was obedient and I did. 

About a year into my new life someone at Church had a word for me one morning and told me that "God was going to restore what was lost."

Silly pork chop that I was (at that time) thought for a while that we would get back together ( Nup, he got married, my brother was a groomsman) and then I thought that it meant that I would meet my own "One" and get married ( 11 years and still waiting *big dramatic sigh* ) Lol. :)

A couple of years ago despite living in the same and also working in the same areas of Sydney for years he spotted my car on the road, tracked me down and we met for lunch. It was nice catching up with him, he was happily married, still not really connected to God and that was it. 

Or so I thought. 

His life collapsed about six months later, his marriage broke down in a way that shocked him to his very core, he lost his Dad to cancer and he himself battled his own version of cancer. God got his attention through these horrid life circumstances. 

I was asking God one day what He had planned for this friendship because quite frankly I was confused. I didn't really want to get back together with him but I was also wondering if I was being a bit stubborn by saying "No way!" too. And God just dropped one word in my heart...


Now I am no longer a silly rabbit. I don't put any of my own ideas on His words until they come to pass. And I realised on Friday night that it had. 

We went and saw one of my newest favourite bands together and He was right. He did restore. He restored our friendship. And our shared "brother and sisterhood" in Christ. 

And it was possible because He (as in God) has been the one in control of the "When" and the "Where" and the "How". If I had tried to do this, then no. I would have still been too hurt or putting ridiculous expectations on the friendship because it's very clear we are great friends but not particularly well suited for more......

So we were having dinner and he was telling me that it was hard for him to fall in love and love people again after he had been hurt and abandoned so much in his life and he was "incapable of really being in love" as a result.  I was unaware that he was referring mainly to his life post-divorce not from before. Keep in mind he is on again, off again, sort of seeing but not really a woman who I am trying really hard not to judge at the moment ( I promise it's not jealousy, she's just done some manipulative things..but I digress ).

When he told me about this "love" thing I said to him that he really needed to remember by saying this to me he was essentially wiping out ten years of my life.

It was from his answer that I realised that I was not the love of his life or the most significant love of his life. It was his ex-wife. And this is as it should be.

But because I haven't had a significant love since he was my last "it". And I was not his.

What's somewhat difficult to wrap my head around is the fact that despite the prayers and the petitioning God for a husband, it isn't in my future then he could very well be it for me. And I will not be it for him when he looks back on his life. The balance seems off. And a little part of me is sad about that. That I may not be the love of someone's life.

It's a sobering thought.

But anyway, I had a good night. It's not weird at all hanging out with him but we are just not suited for more. He just doesn't make me feel great about myself.

Although what was slightly amusing is that he started to get a little snippy when I told him the story of Random Cute Guy at the Door. "Maybe he wasn't shy, maybe she was just lying to you to make you feel better and he didn't want your number" ( yes, thanks for that, way to go. Boy that reads rude. Huh. ) and then when he busted some uber eye contact with a random gorgeous male passerby and myself - he thought that wasn't right. "But I'm having dinner with you". My response "Yes, but we look like we are friends. And we are. So who cares"

But the band was awesome and he drove me. So all in all a great night ! :D

Any of you guys friends with your ex/ex's? How's that working for you?



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