-239 Help fatigue

This morning as I was leaving the flat I thought that I was going to come home tonight and write a nice, happy, hope filled post that was full of positive energy and sunshine and all things lovely. :)

And my day started off happy and all was good.

But I started to notice as the day wore on I was less inclined to want to help others when they asked for it. I didn't exactly say "No" but I was a little lazy in my answers. At one stage, after I had just bitten into a rather large piece of chilli in my Pork roll, that perhaps that was my consequence for giving half hearted "helpful" answers.

So after getting a fair amount of work done and having a slightly anxious conversation with colleagues about something that is coming up in our sector I got in the car, drove about 100 metres down the road and...

...burst into tears.

Yep.

And there have been random acts of crying since.

I won't bore you with all the details but I've prayed a lot this afternoon and I've reached the point of what I call "Help Fatigue".  My job is essentially helping others and speaking encouragement, wisdom and gentle "What on earth were you thinking?!" on an hourly basis every day.

I love my job. But it's a give, give, give job too.

And on other days I've felt like this in the past I've been in close proximity to kid cuddles or within a day or two of being involved in a community where someone may notice my sad eyes or because of that community I felt connected and less alone.

And the feeling passed.

But now I'm no longer connected to that community and I'm not in close proximity to kid cuddles -  I'm just at a loss.....honest post, hey? :)

So tonight I feel like I am suffering temporarily from help fatigue, disconnected & lacking in kid cuddles.

I'm ok. I promise.  And it has nothing to do with the Bachelor Updates or my retirement from online dating.

I just keep thinking tonight......

This too shall pass. :)

xMiss365

-260 Mother's Day - Good Day/Bad Day

Today was like one of those Sad Face/Happy Face kind of days. There were good bits and bad bits. Parts that made me smile and parts that made me sob. A moment where I felt valued and a few others where I felt out of the loop and shut out. A day where I praised God in the beginning the Church service but by the time I came home I was trying to repent of my attitude and selfishness.

I'm not sure how much to share with you. I did say that this blog was going to be a somewhat honest look at what it was like to be Single & Christian in Sydney. And although I'm not openly stating who I am I am sure that if anyone I know ever stumbled across this blog ( and it's possible if I accidentally leave my blogger editing page open on my ipad or even in the early days of writing I had it bookmarked in Safari on the ipad - no longer! Lol! ) they would know it was me and in some ways know much more about my thoughts and heartaches than they really should.

So lets just say this to preface why I found today so hard. A long, long time ago I lost something that I didn't know that I had until I didn't any longer at a time where my world was falling down around me. It makes not only this time of year a little sad when I remember but also events like today as well. I have been praying for so many years that I would have all of these things again but better because it was God planned and God timed but it hasn't happened. And so I guess I grieve for the idea of what could have been.

This morning started off fine. I knew I wouldn't be seeing my Mum for Mother's Day today as she was visiting family but I would talk to her a little later. I went to Church and we had such an amazingly beautiful time of worship I can't even put into words how thankful I felt to be there.

I had steeled myself for the empathsis on being a Mother and the importance and blessing it was to be one in the sermon and it was a surprise and really wonderful to hear our Pastor's wife  ( Pastor N ) acknowledge carers and teachers as being "Mothers" too. Refreshing.

The women had beautifully arranged High Tea arranged for after the service for all the Mums and Grandmothers in our Church to sit down and be blessed. Before I could make my quick get away - lest not stand out as pretty much the only non Mum or Wife in their 30s - Pastor N grabs me and tells me that I need to come up the back too as I look after kids more than anyone she knows. Holding....back...the...tears....

Still feeling like a fraud though I let myself be distracted by Polly Pocket & Such A Boy and their requests to play with my ipad and to sit with them. So I did for a while. And we had fun.

But then I looked up the back to see all these Mum and Grandmothers talking and sharing together and I felt like I had been excluded from something ( not by these women but in general ) that was special. And then the horrid thoughts of not being "good enough" or "ever being a Mum" and then reminding me what was lost hit me like a tidal wave out of nowhere. And I just had to get out of there.

I drove down the road a bit turned off the engine and just sobbed for about 15 minutes to the point where I almost couldn't breathe. I felt like I had just lost the most important person in the world to me I was being that ridiculous.

So by the time I got home then came the selfish thoughts. The "me me me me me" chorus was in full swing.

And then God smacked me across the side of the head with the reminder that there are so many women out there who want to be Mother's but are infertile ( I have 3 cousins struggling with this issue right now ) or those who have lost their children or grandchildren to either death or divorce. And so many other situations.

But then sadly all of this hasn't stopped the random acts of crying that have occurred today. Again I say ridiculous. And perhaps you will say that I am alright to have these feelings.

And that's why it's been such a weird day of contrasts.

*Insert :) and :( where you see the need ;)

xMiss365

-323 Pelicans in Chicago? ( Monday 3rd January 2011 )

Well no. ;)

This morning The Holiday House felt a little empty. The Blue Smurf had left to go to work on Friday night, The Crazy Med Student had left on Saturday night to work on Sunday morning ( that was my surprise when I didn't realise that she wasn't coming back for the remainder of the holiday ) and then early this morning The Princess & The American Boy left early to attend a brunch being held for overseas friends that they wouldn't see for a long time. 

So it was just myself, Bestest Bud, Bonsai Master & Such A Boy ( Polly Pocket was with her Grandparents for the duration of the holiday as her cousins were visiting ). I think we had our fill of lazing around and the weather definately wasn't consistent beach weather so we hopped in the car at about lunch time and headed down the coast a bit to see some Pelican feeding and have lunch ( and ice cream & then dinner..again I digress ) ;)

It was while we were watching Such A Boy have fun on the Merry Go Round on the waterfront that Miss Chicago rang and confirmed our catch up plans for Thursday. Yay! I was so looking forward to seeing her and catching up with her before we met at Bestest Bud/Bonsai Master's place so she could also see them & the kids ( I'd already decided that I would give her time on her own to catch up with them before I went over there to be fair). Being able to talk to her about my life freely ( even for an hour ) was something exciting to look forward to. And it wasn't just the 'single person who gets it' aspect either ( even though she does ). It was the fact although she knew all the work people & issues she was far enough away from it for me to feel free enough to 'breathe' around her or just not compromise her loyalties in a big way like I do with half the world most of the time ( if that makes any sense - probably not ! Lol ! )

So I wasn't prepared for the wave of sadness that washed over me when Such A Boy and I were watching the Pelican's coming in for their trained feed on the waterfront. I looked around at one point and saw all the holiday couples with their kids of varying ages and while Such A Boy decided that he wanted to hug and hang with me for the duration of the Pelican feeding - he is not mine and for a bit I felt selfishly sad that I still didn't have that family of my own that I have always wanted. 

I tried to listen to that still, small voice. And while God didn't say or do anything in particular at that moment, that wave of sadness did pass when Such A Boy said something funny about the Pelicans in his own special way and I just let it go and enjoyed the rest of my day. As you do.

As I will keep on doing because it's only a small part of my life in the big picture. And honestly I am blessed to have those lovely moments with Such A Boy ( and Polly Pocket ) because they love me and I am Aunty "Miss365". And if I keep my hope then maybe I will be one of those couples one day with the kids watching some Pelicans responding like Pavlovs dogs to a specific feeding time to entertain the holiday masses ;)

xMiss365