I'm not sure how much to share with you. I did say that this blog was going to be a somewhat honest look at what it was like to be Single & Christian in Sydney. And although I'm not openly stating who I am I am sure that if anyone I know ever stumbled across this blog ( and it's possible if I accidentally leave my blogger editing page open on my ipad or even in the early days of writing I had it bookmarked in Safari on the ipad - no longer! Lol! ) they would know it was me and in some ways know much more about my thoughts and heartaches than they really should.
So lets just say this to preface why I found today so hard. A long, long time ago I lost something that I didn't know that I had until I didn't any longer at a time where my world was falling down around me. It makes not only this time of year a little sad when I remember but also events like today as well. I have been praying for so many years that I would have all of these things again but better because it was God planned and God timed but it hasn't happened. And so I guess I grieve for the idea of what could have been.
This morning started off fine. I knew I wouldn't be seeing my Mum for Mother's Day today as she was visiting family but I would talk to her a little later. I went to Church and we had such an amazingly beautiful time of worship I can't even put into words how thankful I felt to be there.
I had steeled myself for the empathsis on being a Mother and the importance and blessing it was to be one in the sermon and it was a surprise and really wonderful to hear our Pastor's wife ( Pastor N ) acknowledge carers and teachers as being "Mothers" too. Refreshing.
The women had beautifully arranged High Tea arranged for after the service for all the Mums and Grandmothers in our Church to sit down and be blessed. Before I could make my quick get away - lest not stand out as pretty much the only non Mum or Wife in their 30s - Pastor N grabs me and tells me that I need to come up the back too as I look after kids more than anyone she knows. Holding....back...the...tears....
Still feeling like a fraud though I let myself be distracted by Polly Pocket & Such A Boy and their requests to play with my ipad and to sit with them. So I did for a while. And we had fun.
But then I looked up the back to see all these Mum and Grandmothers talking and sharing together and I felt like I had been excluded from something ( not by these women but in general ) that was special. And then the horrid thoughts of not being "good enough" or "ever being a Mum" and then reminding me what was lost hit me like a tidal wave out of nowhere. And I just had to get out of there.
I drove down the road a bit turned off the engine and just sobbed for about 15 minutes to the point where I almost couldn't breathe. I felt like I had just lost the most important person in the world to me I was being that ridiculous.
So by the time I got home then came the selfish thoughts. The "me me me me me" chorus was in full swing.
And then God smacked me across the side of the head with the reminder that there are so many women out there who want to be Mother's but are infertile ( I have 3 cousins struggling with this issue right now ) or those who have lost their children or grandchildren to either death or divorce. And so many other situations.
But then sadly all of this hasn't stopped the random acts of crying that have occurred today. Again I say ridiculous. And perhaps you will say that I am alright to have these feelings.
And that's why it's been such a weird day of contrasts.
*Insert :) and :( where you see the need ;)
xMiss365
Your feelings are very valid. There are those who have lost, either knowingly, deliberately or not, who have the same feelings as you. And they are perfectly normal feelings.
ReplyDeleteAnd, no, I don't know you.
Thanks on all counts Michelle :) Of course by Monday I was fine. Or somewhat fine. Or a lot better than I was on Sunday anyway. ;)
ReplyDeleteI hope you had a lovely day :)
I think for many single gals Mother Day can be a hard day - whether you have lost or not had the opportunity (which you assumed would be a rite of adulthood) of becoming a mum.
ReplyDeleteFor me some years are harder to not be a mum on Mother's Day than others. I usually find it hardest when an innocent, but oh so cute, little girl wants to give me a mother's day flower to wear at church and I have to say no thanks, I'm not a mum.
I'm sure you weren't the only one who cried on Mother's Day this year. I have on other years, but not this one, thankfully.
Thanks for sharing your pain with us, it reminds us we're not alone.
Hello girly...let me first say––you totally made my day, the other day, when I read your post on my wall :)) I wanted to write you and tell you sooner, but as usual I let the busyness of life run its snaky path across all my well intentioned plans (to write sooner, that is and so haven't) and anyways I am saying thank you...now. My mom is doing a little better this week...and we are maintaining full faith for her complete healing. This mother's day was very bitter sweet I guess you could say. But I appreciate her so much.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this post...what with most of my friends mothers...but I on the other hand don't feel I should be a mother now...still too many things I need to do...and maybe God wont have it in the works for me to be a biological mother...that's possible, but I intend to be the best, caring, big hearted, ever listening, supportive non-mother that I can be, to every child out there that He brings across my path... :)) that's my plan anyways...we'll see how it goes hahaha And remember sister, God has placed an infinite amount of meaning and worth and distinction upon your life––right now as you stand, whether you have ten kids in the future or none at all. (but I'm praying if you want some that you will sooner rather than later...course a man is first on the order heehee...)
Blessings,
Jeanine
I think it's so brave to post what you did. As Christians we can sometimes feel the need to be perfect. You showed your humanity and I thank you for it.
ReplyDeleteThank-you for posting this! I would be a liar if I said that I hadn't felt the same way on Mothers' Day. Somehow knowing other women have dealt with the same emotions as me makes it much easier to bear. So thank-you for your honesty!
ReplyDelete