Sunday, 8 May 2011
-260 Mother's Day - Good Day/Bad Day
I'm not sure how much to share with you. I did say that this blog was going to be a somewhat honest look at what it was like to be Single & Christian in Sydney. And although I'm not openly stating who I am I am sure that if anyone I know ever stumbled across this blog ( and it's possible if I accidentally leave my blogger editing page open on my ipad or even in the early days of writing I had it bookmarked in Safari on the ipad - no longer! Lol! ) they would know it was me and in some ways know much more about my thoughts and heartaches than they really should.
So lets just say this to preface why I found today so hard. A long, long time ago I lost something that I didn't know that I had until I didn't any longer at a time where my world was falling down around me. It makes not only this time of year a little sad when I remember but also events like today as well. I have been praying for so many years that I would have all of these things again but better because it was God planned and God timed but it hasn't happened. And so I guess I grieve for the idea of what could have been.
This morning started off fine. I knew I wouldn't be seeing my Mum for Mother's Day today as she was visiting family but I would talk to her a little later. I went to Church and we had such an amazingly beautiful time of worship I can't even put into words how thankful I felt to be there.
I had steeled myself for the empathsis on being a Mother and the importance and blessing it was to be one in the sermon and it was a surprise and really wonderful to hear our Pastor's wife ( Pastor N ) acknowledge carers and teachers as being "Mothers" too. Refreshing.
The women had beautifully arranged High Tea arranged for after the service for all the Mums and Grandmothers in our Church to sit down and be blessed. Before I could make my quick get away - lest not stand out as pretty much the only non Mum or Wife in their 30s - Pastor N grabs me and tells me that I need to come up the back too as I look after kids more than anyone she knows. Holding....back...the...tears....
Still feeling like a fraud though I let myself be distracted by Polly Pocket & Such A Boy and their requests to play with my ipad and to sit with them. So I did for a while. And we had fun.
But then I looked up the back to see all these Mum and Grandmothers talking and sharing together and I felt like I had been excluded from something ( not by these women but in general ) that was special. And then the horrid thoughts of not being "good enough" or "ever being a Mum" and then reminding me what was lost hit me like a tidal wave out of nowhere. And I just had to get out of there.
I drove down the road a bit turned off the engine and just sobbed for about 15 minutes to the point where I almost couldn't breathe. I felt like I had just lost the most important person in the world to me I was being that ridiculous.
So by the time I got home then came the selfish thoughts. The "me me me me me" chorus was in full swing.
And then God smacked me across the side of the head with the reminder that there are so many women out there who want to be Mother's but are infertile ( I have 3 cousins struggling with this issue right now ) or those who have lost their children or grandchildren to either death or divorce. And so many other situations.
But then sadly all of this hasn't stopped the random acts of crying that have occurred today. Again I say ridiculous. And perhaps you will say that I am alright to have these feelings.
And that's why it's been such a weird day of contrasts.
*Insert :) and :( where you see the need ;)