A (somewhat) honest look at what it's like to be a single, Christian woman in her mid 30s in Sydney who wants to remain true to the life that God has planned for her but doesn't want to let go of her dream of being in a relationship again and eventually being a wife and mother

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

-243 When you are not the love of the love of your life's life

Miss365's iphone
Friday night I went and saw one of my favourite bands with The Non Bachelor. Now if you've been reading my blog for a while you would know that he is actually the last serious relationship I had over 11 years ago.

I wrote this on a dating site forum the other day ( I have since removed it ) which will explain where my head is at with regards to our relationship and how I can look at him now and not want anything more.

....I was with my ex-boyfriend from the ages of 15-25 and for only 4 years of that we were Christian. It was a roller-coaster of a relationship, that you would expect of two broken individuals that literally grew up together that wasn't always pretty or healthy but we were great friends and loved each other passionately.Part of the problem me thinks ;) 

So it was up and down until he simultaneously started to walk away from Church and a committed relationship with Christ and met the woman that he would literally marry within 18months of us breaking up.

I won't go into the complicated circumstances that surrounded our break up but suffice to say it wasn't pretty and I was broken. And lost. 

God put my heart together again piece by piece lovingly and built me from the ground up again. 

For years after we had broken up I would occasionally get a leading from God to pray for the ex, and I would through gritted teeth, but I was obedient and I did. 

About a year into my new life someone at Church had a word for me one morning and told me that "God was going to restore what was lost."

Silly pork chop that I was (at that time) thought for a while that we would get back together ( Nup, he got married, my brother was a groomsman) and then I thought that it meant that I would meet my own "One" and get married ( 11 years and still waiting *big dramatic sigh* ) Lol. :)

A couple of years ago despite living in the same and also working in the same areas of Sydney for years he spotted my car on the road, tracked me down and we met for lunch. It was nice catching up with him, he was happily married, still not really connected to God and that was it. 

Or so I thought. 

His life collapsed about six months later, his marriage broke down in a way that shocked him to his very core, he lost his Dad to cancer and he himself battled his own version of cancer. God got his attention through these horrid life circumstances. 

I was asking God one day what He had planned for this friendship because quite frankly I was confused. I didn't really want to get back together with him but I was also wondering if I was being a bit stubborn by saying "No way!" too. And God just dropped one word in my heart...


Now I am no longer a silly rabbit. I don't put any of my own ideas on His words until they come to pass. And I realised on Friday night that it had. 

We went and saw one of my newest favourite bands together and He was right. He did restore. He restored our friendship. And our shared "brother and sisterhood" in Christ. 

And it was possible because He (as in God) has been the one in control of the "When" and the "Where" and the "How". If I had tried to do this, then no. I would have still been too hurt or putting ridiculous expectations on the friendship because it's very clear we are great friends but not particularly well suited for more......

So we were having dinner and he was telling me that it was hard for him to fall in love and love people again after he had been hurt and abandoned so much in his life and he was "incapable of really being in love" as a result.  I was unaware that he was referring mainly to his life post-divorce not from before. Keep in mind he is on again, off again, sort of seeing but not really a woman who I am trying really hard not to judge at the moment ( I promise it's not jealousy, she's just done some manipulative things..but I digress ).

When he told me about this "love" thing I said to him that he really needed to remember by saying this to me he was essentially wiping out ten years of my life.

It was from his answer that I realised that I was not the love of his life or the most significant love of his life. It was his ex-wife. And this is as it should be.

But because I haven't had a significant love since he was my last "it". And I was not his.

What's somewhat difficult to wrap my head around is the fact that despite the prayers and the petitioning God for a husband, it isn't in my future then he could very well be it for me. And I will not be it for him when he looks back on his life. The balance seems off. And a little part of me is sad about that. That I may not be the love of someone's life.

It's a sobering thought.

But anyway, I had a good night. It's not weird at all hanging out with him but we are just not suited for more. He just doesn't make me feel great about myself.

Although what was slightly amusing is that he started to get a little snippy when I told him the story of Random Cute Guy at the Door. "Maybe he wasn't shy, maybe she was just lying to you to make you feel better and he didn't want your number" ( yes, thanks for that, way to go. Boy that reads rude. Huh. ) and then when he busted some uber eye contact with a random gorgeous male passerby and myself - he thought that wasn't right. "But I'm having dinner with you". My response "Yes, but we look like we are friends. And we are. So who cares"

But the band was awesome and he drove me. So all in all a great night ! :D

Any of you guys friends with your ex/ex's? How's that working for you?



  1. I haven't seen my ex in years (like about 8), and it was hard. I was at his wedding, where he told me as they were leaving that he still loved me. And I know what he meant by that (not marriage love, friend love). But we are so totally different now, have completely different interests (I'm Christian, he's not), totally different outlooks - I'm a giver, he's very selfish me-oriented ..... I could go on.

    On the other hand, my hubby and I are friends with his ex and her husband. So that balances out. We also have Jesus in common there.

  2. Thanks for sharing that Michelle. I'm such a sticky beak. I am always interested to hear other people's experiences, particularly in ones that have effected me in massive ways. Relationships with ex's can be complicated.

    I'm just genuinely in awe that I can speak to my ex without either bursting into tears or without the insane ego need to make him love me again or something similarly stupid ;)

  3. Concerning my last ex (from 7.5 years ago), I wouldn't say that we are "friends"... he's more like the contractor my family calls when they need something repaired around the house... because he's into construction. We don't talk to each other outside of these business transactions, so I guess our relationship has become strictly professional. Honestly, at this point I can easily go the rest of my life without seeing his face ever again. Sounds cruel, I know, but it's true.

    As far as any other ex-boyfriends before him, no, I don't keep in contact with any of them. And I hope never to accidentally bump into any of them, especially the one that I allowed to rip out my heart over 10 years ago. Unfortunately, we both work in Washington DC so seeing him on the subway is likely. *ugh* Cursed be the day that should ever happen.

    In spite of my apparent ill feelings about these past relationships, I do pray for these fellas when prompted to by the Holy Spirit... "through gritted teeth", as you would say, but I do :)

  4. "from the ages of 15-25"

    Damn. 10 years and you met young. Must have been hard. I remember the guys from the defunct Manosphere blog "Seasons of Tumult and Discord" talk about how for most of history people only knew a few people and usually settled down with their first loves. I think it was a post by Alkibiades. He implied that it was natural for the first love to be the strongest and that the big cities and the serial dating that comes with it is unnatural.

    I'm just curious, how come have you not met another man in 11 years? Is it because it took that long to recover or just that the other men you met weren't alpha enough?

    Btw, I came across your blog via Haley's.

  5. Wow, girl. You're a lot stronger than I ever could be. I think I would have been a weepy mess or something to that effect having anything to do with an ex whom I had such a thing for in the past. But sounds like God showed you quite a bit from this particular interlude and that can always be considered a very good thing. And sounds like the concert was fun! :)) Please don't settle for anyone who will make you feel crappy about yourself--ever! Not cool. But it is cool that you can stay friends, I'm sure.

    Hope you are having a lovely weekend.
    :) Jeanine



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