A (somewhat) honest look at what it's like to be a single, Christian woman in her mid 30s in Sydney who wants to remain true to the life that God has planned for her but doesn't want to let go of her dream of being in a relationship again and eventually being a wife and mother

Sunday, 13 March 2011

-279 Shame is a bubbling up

The events of the past week or so are prompting me to believe that God is attempting to teach me something about myself once again. He's shaking my tree and pruning the dead branches, hopefully so that new, beautiful fruit has the opportunity to grow. I just need to let him and not dodge the pruning sheers when He brings them out. ;)

Not long after I started this blog I wrote a post about my shame being pinned with a yellow ribbon in ballet exams. That yellow ribbon meant that I was not expected to pass my exam and/or I couldn't be paired up properly with another dancer in my grade with a similar body type. I knew this even as a 7 or 8 year old and I felt shame that I wasn't slender and birdlike and that there was something not 'normal' about me. Big fat lie. But one that stuck.
Since July 2010 when I found out that I was having silent daily chronic migraines that was screwing up my metabolism, giving me constant gastro-intestinal issues and cycles of having energy to burn and then no energy whatsoever, I have lost about 25kg ( 55 pounds ) and have gone from a size 18 - 20 to a size 14 in normal sizes. Big big change. Yay me. And yay migraine prevention meds. :)

But I'm still left with the mentality of being big. And the shame that I attached to it. In the other post I wrote....

I don't deserve...
  • To be treated with respect ( because I am ashamed )
  • To have someone that I find attractive say that they find me attractive as well ( because I am ashamed )
  • To ask for help when I need it I should be independent and not be a burden on people ( because I am ashamed )
  • To say that I am hurt when my feelings are hurt ( because I am ashamed )
  • A body that I am proud of ( because I am ashamed - I am really ashamed because even though I do exercise and eat well most of the time I can't do it for more than a few months and end up back where I started, then I'm just lazy and having Nanna naps every afternoon, tired and eating random stuff. I am ashamed because I have no self control. I like the first lot of the fruits of the Spirit. But the sense of shame I get whenever I hear or have to teach on the fruits ( Galatians 5:22 ) just brings me deeper down again and more disconnected with myself. 

And now I realise that I am ashamed that I am single. I am ashamed that by the age of 36 I haven't been in a relationship for 12 years, been introduced to anyone by my friends, been kissed, had a relationship start with a guy that I had a strong connection with and not be told that he "...felt connected to me but it was wrong" or that "God said no but that didn't mean I was physically unattractive" or "I like you but I'm just not attracted to you at the moment maybe down the track", lost the confident young girl that just used to look at a guy and he was interested not just because she was cute but because she had that inner light, even though the weight gain was mostly the migraines I must've done something wrong. 

And it's a battle because I was just telling someone that I can see that over the past twelve years of being big and single that God has created my character that I wouldn't have been had I not been big. I wouldn't have had the compassion for others and been drawn to the job I do, or run the disability camp or get involved in Kids ministry, or want to live a life that makes a difference. It would have been all about the fact that I can sing and it still would be all about 'me me me' look at what I can do. 

I know who I am in Christ. I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that I am blessed because I have legs, arms and a body that does what I generally want it to do, I know that getting married is not a reward system set up with God "If I am a good Christian, He will bless me with a husband". 

Why am I still thinking through the shame filter? Is it just going to take time for my thinking to catch up with what my body looks like now and what it will look like when I lose another 20 or so kilos ? 

I have no answers tonight but I do think that's why I am annoyed by the boxes at the moment. I am ashamed of my single state and being thought of as a 'yellow ribbon' person in life because I am not married.



  1. sweetheart, how I wish I could jump into this laptop and hug you for reals and reassure you of your worth. I HATE the fact the at the young age of 7 you were 'labeled'...ugh. childhood is hard enough without this kind of pressure.

    please know you are loved. without or without a man...you are special to US!

  2. First off, that yellow ribbon deal is absolutely horrendous! I mean, why would anyone do that to children whose sense of self and personal worth are not fully developed and whose souls are so fragile? That was unusually cruel and I'm so sorry that you had to suffer through such mindless treatment at the tender age of 7 or 8.

    On a more positive note, congratulations on the weight loss! I've been struggling with my own lately due to sheer laziness, but have endured yo-yo weight patterns over the years due to various medications. Honestly, it was much easier to lose when I was on certain pills and now that I don't have them to depend on anymore, I'm getting frustrated nearly to the point of not caring. I need to get motivated. But good for you for not giving up and tackling your medical condition straight on!! Way to go!!!

    Concerning the issue of singleness, I admit that it's difficult for me to comment since I could relate to much of what you said. For some reason a woman can have all of the female friends in the world, but the attention of a man will always mean more. I don't know why that is. After all, I'm aware that I am complete in Christ, so why do I feel so incomplete without a husband? I know that I'm not "less than," so why do I feel like I'm missing something? I don't really know. And I wish I could offer some incredibly wise anecdote or adage, but I've got nothing. I guess that's because I'm currently riding in the same boat with you.



Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...