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Fifteen years ago today I was a different person. I was scared, angry, empty, lonely, insecure, happy, emotional, manipulative, in love, in hate, a doormat, an emotional wreck. Now I do admit at times I can be all of these things still but not in the all consuming way I was fifteen years ago. The difference? Something that I didn't have.
And fifteen years ago after picking The Real Ex up from the airport a few days before and seeing him come back from his time away with his Christian Dad a changed person I breathed a huge sigh of relief and although I was scared I went to Church with him that Sunday. Now Marvelous Mum had become a Christian and given her life to Christ about 6 months before and I am ashamed to admit that I gave her a hard time about it. Now in retrospect I realise that it was God tapping me on the shoulder gently reminding me of His existance and telling me that it was my turn soon. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to give up my life and become a 'goody goody'. Lol.
And so in the car on our way to Church that night The Real Ex told me the parable of the mustard seed ( Matthew 13:31-32, Mark 4:30-34, Luke 13:18-19 ) and just to get my attention (lol) of course the same parable was used in the sermon that night. I know that some people get freaked out when God gets their attention like that but as soon as the altar call began I'm fairly sure my hand up was up and more importantly my heart was ready to ask for and receive forgiveness before anyone else that night !
My walk has been slow and steady since. I've had my walks in small deserts and then larger, longer deserts but always my heart knows Him and I haven't strayed too far off the path He has placed before me.
It hasn't always been easy, particularly watching others who have appeared to have gone their own way and made their own choices and have known ( and know ) the joy of being married and being a parent ( and not just the 'being single stuff' but for the sake of this blog that's what I am mentioning ). But I keep reminding myself every time my thoughts stray in the wrong direction that my walk is my walk and my race is my race and to stay in my lane because if I look at someone else's race too often or make my own shortcut I might just miss a God designed rest stop that is perfect just for me!
So fifteen years ago today my heart had a Jesus sized gap. Now I am complete in Him. And I cannot and nor do I want to imagine a life without Him.