|Photo by vegadsl|
It's been an odd year, one where I've learned an awful lot, dealt with many issues, cried bucket loads of tears, doubted my feelings and reactions to things countless times and turned to God in a deeper way than I think I have in a long, long time. And as I mentioned in a previous blog my main Love Language where I feel most loved is Quality Time - doesn't have to be lots of time or always just about me time ( I'm not like that ) but it was a busy and stressful year for many of my close friends and family this year ( not just me ) so my love tank ran on empty for the most part. And so as a result at times I know I drove people mad with my self centredness and [dare I say it] neediness but.....
...for the first time in my life I have to take a breath and let it go instead of beating myself up over it. And this is hard for me to do. I find it easy to forgive others for stuff like this but forgiving myself is a lot harder.
In a way I wish all this letting go and the realisation that friendships had changed had occured when I hadn't been battling health issues. While they weren't life threatening or resulted in anything majorly serious, for a while there were no answers, a lot of physical pain and exhaustion and I don't think I dealt with any of it particularly well. When words like brain tumors, atrophy, hemmorages and possible MS and early onset Parkinsons are mentioned it was hard to know who to give what bit of information to and how much to keep just between yourself and God. What made it hard as a single, unmarried person is that there turned out to be no particular person I could turn to that could just be there for me and that I didn't have to look after in some way or already had other obligations such as husbands and children.That was hard and emotionally exhausting .
So then add to that the work issues that were tied in with my personal life and I had been bottling up for years I turned into a person that I still don't really recognise. Once who worried an awful lot, who turned nearly every conversation with certain people about her ( even though I told myself countless times wouldn't ), who didn't sleep after certain events or days in the week, and just was a big ball of stress.
Occasionally I would get glimpses of the real me and I would laugh and have a normal conversation with people and I would sigh with relief and think that all the stress was over. But then something would happen and it would continue.
But I've come to realise a few things this week and while the end of the work year is nigh and I think the work issue has been laid to rest ( for a while at least ) I can start to see myself as I talk to people and see myself as I am again. I overheard someone commenting the other day that I was "marvelous".*blush* Maybe that person was able to say something as lovely as that because on that particular day I was more like 'me' that I've been for a long time.
It's times like these though I have to wonder what God is doing. Would I have ended up in this ridiculous headspace if I had a husband - someone who I could come home from work and tell what was going on? Would it have made a difference to have a husband or even a boyfriend hold my hand instead of a nurse to get me through that MRI scan that sent me into not one but two panic attacks ? Would I have felt the change in my friendships and not felt the loss at being the only single person left in my group of friends as strongly as I did if I had a boyfriend at least ?
But the reality is I don't. God has a plan and I have to trust that He knows what He is doing. I just have to trust and continue to be patiently obedient. And I will. It's just harder some days than others. But I'm glad to be out of Wonderland. It's a bit weird over there ;)